LOVE MONTH: DAY 30: “To be loved and to love, takes courage. To be fully seen is incredibly rare and breathtaking. We lower our masks and see a celestial inner being. It is our full self — the supernova as well as the black holes. Our fears and doubts. Our anger and joy…This is love.”― Carolyn Riker
I have been an actor. I posed and pretended and play out roles that seemed to fit the situation I found myself in. I was constantly changing to be who I thought you needed or wanted me to be so I could fit into some kind of scheme, somewhere.
I did not succeed. I did not know who the hell I was and had no idea what I wanted for myself. I only knew that I was so incomplete that I had to fit into the roles that YOU assigned me. Ugh! It was so depleting. The more I tried, the worse it got.
Coming into this recovery thing was brutal. I had to begin to unpeel the layers of personality I had assumed, and it was terrifying in so many ways. I was certain that I would hate myself more than I already did. I began to feel the resentments and rage I had believed I did so well to hide. They were mostly around the things I did to please others and make myself valid and worthwhile in YOUR eyes, rather than working to believe myself valid and worthwhile in MY eyes.
Yikes! What a long journey this is to becoming my own most beloved. I know exactly what Ms. Riker is speaking about. I have had that transformation…not all at once, but over these many years of carving one layer after another off the veneer of who I thought I should, could, or would be. Now I just get to be my most authentic and real self…and I truly love that woman! She is amazing and beautiful and powerful and very seldom doubts her validity or worth because she truly KNOWS what is going on with her.
What a gift this is! And the courage was always there, hiding under the pretensions and the act that I felt I had to put on for you. Yay!