FAITH MONTH: DAY 16: “There lives more faith in honest doubt, believe me, than in half the creeds.”― Alfred, Lord Tennyson
This quote reminds me of early days in the recovery home where I landed, quite by accident, nearly 34 years ago. Why?
Because so many of the clients there were very insistent that they “got” all the spiritual stuff we were being taught. They had it all down pat. It worried me because I was absolutely NOT convinced with any of it. This taught me, after watching ALL of them relapse at some point along this road, to be highly doubtful of anyone who professed to have deep and abiding faith in their first 60 days around here. It has proven to be true.
Then I got to work in treatment for quite a few years since that time. I always knew who was blowing smoke up my butt by how “spiritual” they were while in treatment. It just isn’t like that for us. Even after 5 or 6 relapses, addicts just don’t get there for a long time. A good fight with sincere doubt always impresses me a great deal more than those who come in spouting all the right shit. Because they just are not authentic.
I can work with doubt, yours and mine. I can work with stubborn resistance, yours and mine. I don’t know what to do if you are well so soon. Experience has taught me that you are just a people-pleaser who is unable to be honest with yourself. The BB talks about that, too. And there is nothing I can do to take away that mask if you insist on wearing it.
I really respect a good Ego battle. I get that. Got one, and we do battle quite often. It is how this happens. But I don’t waste my time on that BS. I thoroughly understand being highly suspicious of people in recovery. I was too. Too damned happy for my taste. I wanted to know which bar everyone was going to after the meeting. I watched closely for any signs you were full of shit…like I love to say, I am an optimistic skeptic. You had to prove it to me…and I had to prove it to me, too.
This did not happen all at once. Me and the Power had a few rounds to battle before I really began to trust. I did not just roll over and say…”Sure, take my life.” Not this addict. But today I am there…I say it every morning and usually 10 or 100 times during any given day. It is beautiful and I love it. So happy I lost that battle!