December 28

LOVE MONTH: DAY 28: “The more one judges, the less one loves.”― Honoré de Balzac

Oh yeah…this one. I have toyed with this quote all month. Had a few experiences in the last couple of days that made me want to write about it. Glad I waited.

Judgement happens most often in those who are the least healed. I have listened to somewhere around 30,000 or more inventories (Step 4) and sponsored a lot of people in this thing. As this is all about Love and Step 12, I am going to go to the place where addicts in recovery, no matter how long, judge the shit out of others to avoid looking at their own shit.

The more they are in the wrong, the more they fight for their right to be right. Ugh! And it really NEVER matters who it is or how they are behaving. WE are the ones with the steps. No one is going to be who you expect/want/demand/insist they be. NO ONE. That is not how this world works. And it sure isn’t how we recover. Not even close.

And, yes, there are people who act like assholes sometimes. Duh! And we got here because we are warmth and sunshine? Yeah, NO.

So, here is the thing. We are here to recover and learn how to treat others with respect and kindness…no matter what. Or walk away. But they are NOT here to treat us in some fashion that they are not going to live into. They will be who they are. Period. We get to work out how we are going to deal with that. We have 12 steps to stop OUR expectations and handle life as it IS. When others refuse to do what we want them to, we have Step 1, Acceptance; and Step 12, Love. In between we look at our own behaviors and expectations and attitudes in Step 4, get Honest in Step 5 and see our shit in Steps 6 and 7.

If it is a pattern that has been going on for forever, WE are the ones who need to change. We are here to stop being assholes. The world is NOT here to accommodate us. Love is not like that. It is unconditional or it is about taking hostages. That is not love, nor is it recovery. It is demanding the world spin according to our whims. Isn’t that always the problem anyway? Always has been, always will be.

There is a reason that many people drink during the holidays, when family matters spring up and old resentments and old ideas abound. Duh! The  cracks in the façades of those who believe they  have this thing down come to light.

It truly shows where the work is done and where it isn’t. So, thank those who show you where the work is for YOU. They are there to reflect to us, in the mirrors they provide, who WE are, not who they are. It is always like that. Love them anyway. They are the ones who need it the most. It is easy to love people when they are doing what we want. Not so much when we get to see our unhealed stuff. And so it goes.

Published by: Kelly

I am a therapist and counselor with long-term recovery from addictions and personal trauma. My writing reflects these experiences and the road I have traveled in 12-Step recovery settings, along with the work I have done for over 30 years in the field. My love of dolphins includes the stories of them being healers in places all over the world. I long to offer every broken spirit and body the experience of a healing hug. May my words and stories inform, uplift and delight your spirit and soothe your weary heart.

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