February 8

HOPE MONTH: DAY 8: “Hope is not about proving anything. It’s about choosing to believe this one thing, that love is bigger than any grim, bleak shit anyone can throw at us.” ― Anne Lamott

I feel a strong affinity with Ms. Lamott. She is another one of my recovery acquaintances whom I do not see often or speak with except on very rare occasions. But she has the same amount of time and her writing often resonates with me.

I have always longed, deep in my soul, for healing to be available. For that terrible, terrible feeling I had for so long to be taken from me. That the shame I felt for much of my life to be alleviated, maybe even gone? Wow! That would be something!

All of that, and so incredibly much more, has come to be. It was a very slow process, but hope was born in an instant when I got here. Oddly, it came with the exact wording of Step 2. That I could be restored to sanity.

I don’t believe I had ever been sane in this lifetime, but there was an idea, held deeply inside my heart, of what that could be. So, the restoration was only in my heart. Behaviorally, it is a daily thing. And my thinking has never been sane, and probably never will be.

But I know how to access a higher wisdom, a Power that gives me the ability to stop acting on my thinking and sometimes even stop the thinking from being the living and breathing entity that controls my life.

YAY!!!

And, in the second part of this quote, it IS about believing that love IS bigger than any grim, bleak shit that anyone throws at me. There is more negativity in this world than my heart can sometimes tolerate. And I can love in return; in return of whiney, bitchy people who have nothing good to give me, I can return love.

For horrible acts against my body, spirit and soul, I can return love. I can learn to open my heart and not retaliate against those who have spoken harshly or horribly against me. I can open my heart and sit still when I am hurt and rejected.
In other words, the healing happens to me, through me, and all around. I have come to understand that damaged people damage others. And that it is not about me, it is all about their pain and how they need to throw it at others to show it. And I can sit with that (most of the time), and not let it be a personal assault.

Not every day, but more so all the time. Fighting back or running away are not necessary if I am able to understand and carry compassion in my heart. This is the path…and I am grateful that none of the shit has to stay with me today.