October 5

DISCIPLINE MONTH: DAY 5: “I discipline my mind to see past distractions, to scrutinize deceptive tendencies and to pay careful attention to details whether I am conversing with others or I’m just a passive observer.” ― Carlos Wallace

I like this one. I am currently evaluating some things that I do in my life. I almost always know the authentic people from those who are not. This is an inherent gift that has been with me for all my life. What I do with this is not always the best thing.

I am likely, as I  believe we all are, to ignore what I know about others to accommodate them or my own agenda(s). This means that I allow them to be a part of my life and then have to take measures to eliminate them after the fact.

Why do I do this? Well, it usually has something to do with me getting something from them that I think I want or need or cannot get another way. It is always a set up. It is always about ego. It is always detrimental to my spirit when I do this. It is an unhealthy dependence on what I think that person can give to me or do for me.

So, I may have the discipline required to know these things, but do not always have the discipline to adhere to my standards and my ethical boundaries. I don’t know if that is going to improve to the point where I don’t do it any more, but I do know that it is better than it used to be.

I am aware, I am paying attention. It is just that I continue to con myself into being around people and allowing them space in my life that leaves me feeling like I have been ripped off. Like I am punishing myself with the relationships that do not feed my spirit or my sense of caring for my highest self. I want to stop doing this.

The discipline to see it is there and remains. The tendency to ignore what I know and believe some egoic rationale for allowing them access to my life is not done with yet. We shall see how that goes. To believe that someone is here to give me things I need that I cannot get any other way is the biggest lie of all. It is not possible. I am aware enough to get that.

Today it is easier to hold these people at arm’s length and let them operate in the circumference of my life, instead of within the innermost circle. I cannot alter or influence others and their ways of being, but it sure is more comfortable when it doesn’t impact my life so much and they are at a distance instead of within my space.

I can love and accept others more comfortably if I know that they are not part of my personal tribe, but are still a part of my experience in this life. It is a good thing. We addicts tend to want to include everyone in our personal tribe, and don’t know how to practice the kind of discernment that gives us layers of relating.

We can relate to those who are part of our recovery community, embracing a handful that are part of our personal tribe. Then that may shift, and others may become closer or more distant. It is a dance of energy and life. Some people may stay there for indefinite periods, but my experience has been that only a few will remain for very long. We dance in and out, life changes take place, it is all part of the process of life itself. I love that.

Every person who leaves becomes an open space for someone new to come in. This goes on and on, as my experience has taught me. And I am always going to be a part of the flow

Published by: Kelly

I am a therapist and counselor with long-term recovery from addictions and personal trauma. My writing reflects these experiences and the road I have traveled in 12-Step recovery settings, along with the work I have done for over 30 years in the field. My love of dolphins includes the stories of them being healers in places all over the world. I long to offer every broken spirit and body the experience of a healing hug. May my words and stories inform, uplift and delight your spirit and soothe your weary heart.

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