September 12

FREEDOM MONTH: DAY 12: “Fear is the glue that keeps you stuck. Faith is the solvent that sets you free.” ― Shannon L. Alder

Yep! We are filled with self-centered fear, as we know from Step 6 and 7. It is the formation point and foundation of all our character defects and Ego defenses.

So, if that is what we walk out into the world with all the time, isn’t it safe to say that we are always going to clash with others who operate the same way? YES!

Scared people are scary. There is nothing worse than being confronted with a mirror image of my character defects and Ego defenses. I am struck every time it happens. I quickly ask myself what is so offensive about this person who gets under my skin and who I immediately want to tell to “f… off.” It never fails. I assess what is bothering me, and I am face-to-face with MY character defects, self-centered fear, control and manipulation skills, Ego defense mechanisms…YIKES! It is overwhelming how often this happens.

Because I spent many years not looking at MY part, I was in conflict with the world for quite a while. It is no surprise that I had a LONG list of others to whom I needed to make amends. It is no surprise that some of them took many, many years of recovery to make. Why? Because I could not find them all. But I never have stopped looking.

I have a terrific need to clean up my messes. It is imperative to me that I stop living in the shit that kept me in constant inventory  and amends steps. There have been many fewer in these last 10 years or so, but once in a while I get my panties in a bunch and there I am, off again! It is ALWAYS my shit that creates the problems, so I never get a pass on any trouble that is going on. I always have a part…dammit!

Carrying this crap around gets heavy. Carrying the people around to whom I have done harm, although they may have done some stuff too (NONE of my business!), is heavy. Ducking from the world where I walk in self-centered fear is AWFUL!

Even drugs and alcohol cannot take away this shame and guilt and remorse. Today, I have NONE of those. I am FREE from all of it, because I did what I could to amend my behavior going forward and clean up the messes I made from before. Not everyone is happy about how I did that…AGAIN…NONE OF MY BUSINESS. Wow!

I do my best and lay it all in the lap of that Power that gave me such enormous and profound Grace. I am left with a life that is amazing and magical EVERY SINGLE DAY. How can that be? Because I am free to focus all of my attention and time on miracles and magic…I LOVE THIS SHIT! All the time, every day. Yay!

Published by: Kelly

I am a therapist and counselor with long-term recovery from addictions and personal trauma. My writing reflects these experiences and the road I have traveled in 12-Step recovery settings, along with the work I have done for over 30 years in the field. My love of dolphins includes the stories of them being healers in places all over the world. I long to offer every broken spirit and body the experience of a healing hug. May my words and stories inform, uplift and delight your spirit and soothe your weary heart.

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