May 22

INTEGRITY MONTH: DAY 22: “Define the integrity of every individual by the battles he/she decided to fight first.” ― Sameh Elsayed

Today I am sitting with disappointment. It is not the first time, nor will it be the last. And I am sitting still. I have 5 million directions I can run around in, but I am choosing to sit quietly and let the Universe unfold in the way it will.

I hate that! No, not true. I don’t want to. I am a fixer. I don’t want to be disappointed, so I know how to fix things. And I do. I go, I do, I work, I scheme, I plot, I plan…I figure shit out! And none of those things is going to be the solution to this disappointment.

So, I get to sit still. I truly believe that maturity is the way I sit with not getting my way. I have had many, many opportunities to learn to grow the hell up. I don’t always choose to act like a grown up. I am a screaming two-year old many times.

I stomp my feet, kick my heels, pound my fists, and throw a very unsatisfying temper tantrum. OR, I buy myself off…I go shopping, a new pair of shoes perhaps, sex with an inappropriate man, eat the refrigerator, take off on an adventure that will distract me for a few minutes, and so on.

Today I am going to clean my house, do this writing, meditate for another half hour, and pray for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry it out. I will work with a new person, do some service, clean my house (literally!), do this writing and some journaling, and get on with whatever else comes into my life. All is well and good here.

So, I am disappointed. It means other things are afoot and I don’t get to know what they are until it all becomes abundantly clear. This Universal Power I deal with in Step 3 is one hell of a poker player. None of the cards that are going to be laid down are shown in advance. I don’t know what is going to happen until they are laid on the table.

So, I think the battle I must fight today, is AGAIN, my crazy brain. I am trying to drive the bus again…oh! And then I run it into a brick wall and get a concussion…oh! And then I have to stop doing that because it gives me a headache…oh! And then I am ready to let that Universal Power be in charge. Okay…letting it all sink in…this is the battle. I am the battle…and the fighter…it can be interesting at times…and so it is!

Published by: Kelly

I am a therapist and counselor with long-term recovery from addictions and personal trauma. My writing reflects these experiences and the road I have traveled in 12-Step recovery settings, along with the work I have done for over 30 years in the field. My love of dolphins includes the stories of them being healers in places all over the world. I long to offer every broken spirit and body the experience of a healing hug. May my words and stories inform, uplift and delight your spirit and soothe your weary heart.

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