DISCIPLINE MONTH: DAY 27: “Do not bite at the bait of pleasure till you know there is no hook beneath it.” ― Thomas Jefferson
There are times when I think it would be satisfying to do something I no longer do… drink one drink, smoke a cigarette, flip someone off on the freeway when they are rude, spit!, just one more hit of cocaine, tell a big lie, not go to the gym, hike or whatever, stay in bed when I am supposed to be somewhere else, eat something I don’t eat any more, gossip, so many old behaviors I have let go of…
And the truth is this; I have had a moment where I truly considered a couple of these. AND, I have had a moment when I have done one of these things. A couple of times.
The truth is this; you guys don’t suffer when I do this stuff… I do! And then I find some way to try and blame you for my lapse. (or relapse!)
But it isn’t you… it’s always ME! My Screaming Purple Monkeys are driving the bus again… uhoh! And it always hurts me way more than the moment of evil pleasure I might get when I choose to do it. That famous old line, “Ah, what the hell?” is a deadly line.
I had learned a lot of lessons about the true price of old behaviors in many ways on my way to this deal. I had a few more to learn after I got here: money, food, sex, men, spending, and so on. Now that I have learned those things, a lot of “good times” are removed from my slate of activities.
And I can always return to any of these behaviors, if I am willing to pay the price. I might even be able to stay in recovery, BUT some of those prices are pretty darned high!
And there is always the cleanup. Step 10, practiced regularly, is the key to me keeping the behavior behind me. If I do screw up for one day… and, honestly, I don’t know any of us who doesn’t or hasn’t or won’t; then I can clean it up and STOP.
Otherwise, if you are like me, and I think most of you are, then we are going to say: “Ah, what the hell?” and do it again and again and again. Because nothing satisfies the SPM quite like total defeat and total annihilation of all that spiritual progress. And if we were feeling good about our lives and our behaviors and ways of being in the world, SPM want that to stop NOW.
Today I will do the right thing, even when the screamers are screaming at me to do what I know is not in my best interest or intentions. I have set that intention for the day. Tonight, I will check to see how that goes. And tomorrow I will report in. See ya!