April 2

HONESTY MONTH: DAY 2: “You can’t lie to your soul.” ― Irvine Welsh

You know, in the end, this was the thing that did me in…I could no longer live inside ME…the lies, the deceit and dishonesty with myself were intolerable. There was not enough cocaine or scotch to cover my shame and my pain…or my total disgust for who and what I had become. And I could not pretend, even one minute longer, that it was YOUR fault. I was really kind of impressed when I got to this thing and you were savvy about how I was feeling and thinking…that you called me on my bluff and bluster. It impressed me that others were talking about the kind of dishonesty I had been practicing. See, I really thought I had you fooled. I could cover it up with a cute routine…I was young and cute…and could still wrap some folks around my finger…it was not impressing you guys. You called me out on my BS and told me how you knew it was BS…oh! So the fact that you were more clued in than most was a total slap in the face for me….it got my attention and my respect. It took my denial away from me, because I could see and hear that, for the first time, you got it! I am always appreciative of those who tell the truth without cushions. A big fan of cutting through the crap, it impresses me when that is what I hear from others…not opinions, those do not, have not and will not impress me. But plain, unvarnished truth…I love it and thrive on it. I did not need enablers or more BS, I had plenty of my own…I did not need intellectual discourse on anything…I am too smart for my own good already…I needed simple truth, still do. it cuts through all the la, la, la. It takes me home to my heart and I am, once again, in the presence of all that I sought in the drugs and in the booze. And because I am and have been dishonest in my view of the world and how it works, I know when someone is blowing smoke up my butt and when they are righteously telling me the truth. My first response is to defend and deny it, but it always has to come home to the fact that I know the truth when I hear it. And today I am blessed by the people who are in my life and tell me the truth. They are trusted and I consider them my friends. I have a lot of acquaintances, but my trust goes to those whom I know are willing to down the road without BS…I don’t have the time to waste on that. My time is my life, I will not give it up frivolously in games and inauthentic crap. I did it long enough. Today I am happy to know that my soul lets me know in very short order when I am deceiving myself or you about things…there is no payoff there.