HUMILITY MONTH: DAY 22: “We are aware that the order of God requires the exercise of humility, but not of servility of slaves; but a humility that can be associated with undoubted courage and unflinching integrity; at the same time there is no room for pride, self-sufficient pride, that rests solely upon its own capabilities, and refuses to look for the support and countenance of others.” — John A. Widtsoe
This one is a whammy for me. I love the first part of the quote, and would like to think I am working closer to that ideal. However, the part about self-sufficient pride strikes close to a big nerve for me. I have to read, quite often, a part of the BB that speaks to this character defect.
I am, by nature, an isolator. I have always been what I call “terminally single and fatally independent.” As I understand the results of a great deal of pretty horrific abuse and trauma in my life, this is a particularly strong trait. It is an outcome I did not understand until I truly began to examine my need to move (a lot!) and to change jobs when things got uncomfortable (a lot!), etc.
These are things that inventories reveal to me. I can label these things as assets or liabilities, and that is not the point. They are ways that I have spent a lifetime healing severe and ongoing trauma that did not end, even long after I got here and began this work.
In recent times, I have let myself be more gentle with the labels and the judgments. This has always been possible for me to work through when working with others, but I hold myself to a different standard, and that is another area of self-inflicted abuse that I am really looking at recently. It has been an ongoing issue, since I am prone, as are we all, to allow others to abuse me at the level of judgment I am inflicting on myself. A cyclical pattern we all have from early life experience. And in doing this work, the people put into my life to guide me in the work of healing are fabulous, not only in holding my life more gently than most, but in how they appear and teach. A wonderful way in which we are held by the Universal Power to be ready to bring deeper healing and recovery. I really love that!