INTEGRITY MONTH: DAY 16: “Those who are busy can’t think clearly and honestly. Those who go slow let the truth come to them and live in integrity.”― Maxime Lagacé
I used to run around at 90 miles per hour, staying very “busy.” It was a challenge to learn to sit still and be present to my inner self. That is the practice of a lifetime for me.
I was impelled by inner turmoil, trauma, and incessant chatter. That is all about Ego. It drives us unmercifully to run, run, run…away from its nasty judgments and ongoing critique of life. We are never at peace when we are responding in this fashion to its demands and criticisms.
It is impossible to be at peace with oneself under these terms. Therefore, we are held hostage to the Screaming Purple Monkeys of our own creation. They chatter and yell and we are running so hard we miss all of life. Not just pieces of it, but all of it. Fear and anger and shame drive us to achieve and run and go and DO instead of sitting still and learning to BE.
That is what this whole process of the steps is all about. Learning to recognize the difference between Ego and Soul.
There is no integrity in Ego, because it does not have the capacity to listen to anyone or anything…it is just beating us forward like a donkey tied to a cart and the driver has a mean stick. Not because we are being motivated or moving forward toward a goal our spirit has set, but driven on and on and on and going nowhere. Just going.
Addiction kept me in that cycle. Not just my addiction to drugs and alcohol, but my addiction to being someone other than ME. Covering my tracks and trying to be OTHER than what I was, but not knowing that the running was making it all worse.
It took some time to learn how to have and be integrity. A long journey through the steps, over and over again…a worthy journey of getting somewhere I always dreamed of being…at home within myself. At home with Universal Power and the heart of who and what I am. A beautiful journey INTO my soul and my Self, not running from them.