COURAGE MONTH: DAY 19: “I had to cease to mourn what could never be and make the most of what was possible. And I would begin doing that by trying to mend the hurts of the past.” ― Cameron Dokey
We have made big messes of our lives and been quite wrong in so many circumstances. A life lived with drugs and alcohol (etc.!) is going to be one lived in full Ego. We are so frightened and running the show for ourselves. The self-centered way we live in addiction is something that must be eradicated, or we are not recovering, just circling and dry.
Cleaning up our wreckage is not about talking to people and telling them I am sorry. That is an apology. I have to be authentic and honest with this step, because I have lived in my own Universe long enough. It did not work, it did not feel good, and there was no joy or happiness or love in my heart. I truly hated everything about myself and the life I was living.
This got better, incrementally, as I applied spiritual principles to my life and thinking. Notice, I did not say I went to meetings and talked about shit. That is NOT recovery. That is just BS. A lot of folks have not recognized the difference. It is NOT about being “good” vs. having been “bad.” It is about changing the entire way of seeing life and the world.
This quote is talking about the acceptance we have to come to with what IS. That is our greatest challenge, not only in addiction, but in all aspects of life. Then learning to clean up the messes we made when we did not know how to live differently. I wasn’t doing these things because I wanted to. I thought, truly believed, I HAD to. The minute I get another option, it is essential that I learn to use it or them.
Today, my options are many. I can sit in my shit and whine or I can jump up and do life just the way it is and the way I am in that moment. I clean up anything I am not happy about and keep going. Mending something is not an apology. We will have more of this discussion in Step 9. Right now, we are becoming willing to clean up our own shit and reap the rewards of living THAT life. Yay!