INTEGRITY MONTH: DAY 2: “Because of course she had known she must go. She always did the thing because in obedience lay the integrity that God asked of her. If anyone had asked her what she meant by integrity she would not have been able to tell them, but she had seen it once like a picture in her mind, a root going down into the earth and drinking deeply there. No one was really alive without that root.” ― Elizabeth Goudge
I LOVE this quote…the analogy of the root really resonates with me. I have felt and visualized this all my life. I am trained, from birth, to deny this reality; yet it persists.
I have been trained, from birth, to make your feelings and beliefs and attitudes more important than my own. It is the dance of codependence and addiction, with which I was indoctrinated and trained for so long it permeates my bones. And yet, the idea of freedom from this crap is always with me.
I can recognize myself getting caught in the web of ego and insanity much quicker today than I used to. It feels awful! And I lie and tell myself so many stories about what is REALLY going on…how it is really all your fault and if I just shoot you in the head, I will be okay.
OR, even better yet, if I get YOU to behave in the ways I think will make me more comfortable, all will be well. Hahaha! What a great story this all is.
And there is the dynamic of what I think I will gain when you do. Because there is always a payoff for me to remain in toxic relationships and be the victim of your bad behavior. Ugh! It is all so damned ugly sometimes I cannot stand it.
And I get so uncomfortable, I do not know what to do with myself. This is the shit that we address in Steps 4 and 5. The nature of my wrongs is ALWAYS about what I think you need to do to make me happy. How can I manipulate you to get what I want without having to actually do anything myself? How can I lie and con you into believing you are here to do my bidding in order to please me?
OR, how can I please you so you think I am who I pretend to be? There is so much manipulation and dishonesty going on in these relationships that we are all dying from the ISM…and don’t know how to get out of the muck that is pulling us under and killing us.
These steps are wonderful for that. And I will can tell you I get caught all the time. The music starts playing and pretty soon I am dancing like a maniac. OMG! I hate it! And I hate how angry I am with you when you engage in the same behavior. It is not okay for either of us. But, if someone needs to continue playing here, I will walk away as quickly as I can and let you continue.
It isn’t my day to save anyone. But I sure as shit try sometimes. It makes me so sad that I fall into this trap when life presents it.
My faith gets stronger every day. I am able to trust the Universal Power more with every breath I take. It is all so insane sometimes. But I love this process and I love the freedom I get when I disengage and walk away. It frees my soul from the hell I have created.