April 29

HONESTY MONTH: DAY 29: “The secret to your purpose is to find what you feel is important, and not pursue what others would think is important. When you think highly of yourself, me thinking highly of you will never be enough!” ― Shannon L. Alder

I would re-write this quote to say that: “Me thinking highly of you will never be enough.” That is going to be true, no matter how I feel about myself.

It is more meaningful that I think highly of myself. And then, it really is unimportant whether or not you think highly or well of me.

But, the truth is this, you cannot be the source of my self-esteem or sense of self-worth. You never could. It does not matter how much you may love me. I will die if I do not love me.

The disease of addiction is so heavily entwined with our codependence. This means that we look for approval and acceptance everywhere else before we finally get to the place (the ONLY place) where it can truly reside…inside us.

And we cannot find a sense of self-worth, because it has to generate 100% from within us. That is not possible in the middle of practicing addiction. And, it is my belief that it NEVER existed in the first place, or we would not have become practicing addicts.

Staying away from drugs and alcohol is not the same thing as developing the honesty and integrity necessary for self-respect to become our way of living. Instead, most people in recovery; those who are not actively practicing recovery and steps, are just arrogant. They do not have a true sense of self-esteem or self-worth.

They are still running around at 100 mph, working like crazy, spending like crazy, getting face lifts and trying to cover up the outside with everything they can to hide the fact that they are dry as hell, but still hating themselves as much as they did loaded.

When we do this, we start to have horrible health problems and cannot get well, because we are still festering from the inside out. It is not okay to abuse your body and call that recovery. It means you cannot take good care of yourself because you are not concerned with anything other than looking good.

That is not recovery. It isn’t honest either. It is the same lie we told when we were working so hard to mask the deficits of active addiction. All we did was find new ways to kill ourselves with obsessive eating, obsessive working, and so many other totally destructive patterns of behavior.

When we find our lives to be this out of balance, there is no spiritual fitness in it. That is going to prove to all of us how little you truly care for yourself. There is a whole set of steps we work to be free of this…again and again and again.

Published by: Kelly

I am a therapist and counselor with long-term recovery from addictions and personal trauma. My writing reflects these experiences and the road I have traveled in 12-Step recovery settings, along with the work I have done for over 30 years in the field. My love of dolphins includes the stories of them being healers in places all over the world. I long to offer every broken spirit and body the experience of a healing hug. May my words and stories inform, uplift and delight your spirit and soothe your weary heart.

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