April 27

HONESTY MONTH: DAY 27: “Just be yourself. An original is worth more than a copy.” ― Suzy Kassem

We are dealing with the idea(s) of Inventory and Honesty. What is more wonderful than discovering and becoming your true self?

Not that it is a constant, unchanging entity, but that it is authentic and real. We are not in this world to be “good” or “right,” but to be REAL. I love that. I spent so many of my early years working to be a “good” girl, then woman. I don’t know what that is.

If you ask the nuns who knew I was NOT their kind of “good,” it meant I had to devote my life to Jesus. I gave them my milk money every week, to feed starving children in other parts of the world; but that did not make me “good.” I still wonder why they did not feed starving children in Watts, less than 50 miles away, but I am sure they weren’t Catholic. ??? Anyway, there is no recipe for “good,” because it is a judgment, a subjective word that has no intrinsic meaning.

The setup was this: If I could not be “good,” I was dead set on being the kind of bad that would become legendary, at least in my view of it all. Hahahaha…I did okay, but even then I did not excel in any real way. I was just bitchy and unhappy.

Not the real me at all. And I covered it all up with being who I thought YOU wanted me to be…what a challenge that is! Everyone had a different idea about it, so I had 100 or more personality traits that were nothing like the Kelly I have finally uncovered and become. I became cynical and jaded, and had no sense of wonder or awe or joy. I hated me!

Then I come around here and begin to see that while I hated YOU for wanting me to be someone else, it was MY job to be ME. Leaving YOU entirely off the hook. If being ME did not please you, then I was free to walk away and find myself. Only ME.

Then, as I became a more real version of myself, new YOUs came. Some stayed, most did not. It is all okay with me. What is cool is that I do not really need YOU like I used to…desperately. I need ME and that is it. I am good with ME and the Power that lives all around me. I am always ready to be filled with wonder and awe and gasp in surprise at the beauty and love I see everywhere I go. It includes people all the time, but I don’t need them to be with me to make me feel loved.

I am loved, deeply and wonderfully, by ME! The job I had all along, but tried to pass off to others, because I thought they had what I did not. I had it all along. It is ME, and that Power. We are a great team! And I know who and what I am. The true me. She is awesome and fun and having the time of her life…isn’t that lovely?

Published by: Kelly

I am a therapist and counselor with long-term recovery from addictions and personal trauma. My writing reflects these experiences and the road I have traveled in 12-Step recovery settings, along with the work I have done for over 30 years in the field. My love of dolphins includes the stories of them being healers in places all over the world. I long to offer every broken spirit and body the experience of a healing hug. May my words and stories inform, uplift and delight your spirit and soothe your weary heart.

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