HONESTY MONTH: DAY 17: “The armour of falsehood is subtly wrought out of darkness, and hides a man not only from others, but from his own soul.” ― E.M. Forster
The lies I believed about myself and my way of life during those drinking and drugging years are endless. I had no clue. It truly was a set of armour.
It hid me only from myself. I doubt very many people believed the lies like I did. It may have worked at initial meeting with some, but it took no time at all to see the real Kelly. The saddest thing for me is that I am always the last to see what is going on for me.
That is true today, as well. I may begin to feel that there is something going on for me, or be discovering a truth about myself; but there is always someone else who sees it long before I do.
Inventories are such a great tool for discovering ourselves. The way I write when something is bothering me is so enlightening. I seldom have new issues, but they continue to try new hats to fool me that there is something new for me to deal with, at a deeper and deeper level.
We don’t get new “stuff” from life. Just the same stuff, at a more intense level. We are not prepared to deal with most of the intense emotional stuff in those early years, so we continue to need this process to work through things we could not work through at first.
I love this ongoing process of dealing with those old ideas and the illusions and delusions from which I suffered for a lifetime.
Now I can sit with those things and let them heal. They come up again and again, so I know that I will never be done with this work. It is uncomfortable to be around addicts who have stopped the work. It shows and it is uncomfortable. They are stuck back in that place of fear and desperation. Ugh!
I don’t want to be a dark and secretive soul. I am not. I am open and light and free. That is so amazing. I did not really believe it could happen for me. And it has, over and over. More every day, as I work through these amazing steps and live this amazing life I get to have. No more secrets, no more lies, no more toxic shit that follows me everywhere I go. What a beautiful way to live!