HONESTY MONTH: “For the wise have always known that no one can make much of his life until self-searching has become a regular habit, until he is able to admit and accept what he finds, and until he patiently and persistently tries to correct what is wrong.” – Bill W.
A regular habit. I have to do Step 4, in its entirety about once or twice a month. There are always things that come up for me that FEEL uncomfortable.
As I process these things, I am able to understand what is at play. Almost always my ego has been bruised by someone or I think it has. Not always true, but the feelings are the same. I have to work out what my side of the street is about. It does not matter who or what is the trigger. It only matters that I not be a maniac or an asshole. I am tired of always being the asshole.
So I have to shift my perspective, which shifts my perception and then my whole belief system needs to be adjusted as well. As this happens for me, I get to see that there are too many people in this world and on this planet for me to take everything so damned personally. Ugh!
So what if I get my feelings hurt? So what if I do not understand why Sam or Shelly or Sheila don’t love me? So what if I just walk away and open that space for a different experience? Okay.
No reason to retaliate or cast nastiness at them. They are just not my people. Okay. There are people who ARE my people. With whom I feel loved and cherished and laugh and giggle and play. They are my people.
There is no possible way for me to do this unless I continuously process my attitudes and my behaviors to see where I am having unreasonable expectations of others. There are a lot of people with whom I do not resonate also. They are not my people. I may know that, but have trouble accepting that they not love me. Isn’t that funny?
I think so. Always have. Although I have always known there are people I don’t care for, it has shocked me to learn that they may not like me. Oh!! Wow. Bummer. And the codependent part of me is so hurt and sad that I cannot let it go. This is so juvenile and immature, but I have to own that it is the truth. Not every day, but it comes up from time to time.
Cannot tell you why, but these are the things that used to drive the asshole. I would retaliate against them and cause a lot of heartache and pain for myself and so many others. It is ugly and I am not proud of this, but I have yet to meet an addict who does not have some of this going on inside. It is so nasty and feels so uncomfortable.
So, this is one thing that I know about me from all these hundreds of inventories. I own it. I feel it coming up once in a while and have to sit with it. I am not one of those who claims to “love” every addict. I don’t have that ability. I can accept them all, but not really love them all. I don’t use that word like that. I don’t say it unless I mean it.
That is another whole topic I will write about another day. I hope you are getting to know who you are in this deal. That is the purpose. You might lie to me and neither of us is going to be hurt. I can see through your stuff anyway. But when you lie to yourself, you are furthering your disease, not your recovery. Get authentic with yourself and you will find freedom, real freedom. I love it!