April 14

HONESTY MONTH: DAY 14: “For my part, whatever anguish of spirit it may cost, I am willing to know the whole truth; to know the worst and to provide for it.” ― Patrick Henry

I don’t remember any anguish in my life when learning the truth. Sometimes a deep amount of disappointment when I learn things about others that I am not crazy about. Or that they may have done something that hurts my baby feelings, but not real deep anguish.

That has been something I felt when loved ones are sick or dying. That is anguish. That is a kind of truth that is all part and parcel of living on this marble.

The truth, however, does not bring me anguish. It brings me freedom. I am happy and free when I know the truth, especially as it applies to Step 4.

I get to see that I am an asshole, with very poor skills at navigating relationships or life in general. This should not be big news to any of us; but, surprisingly, it sometimes IS. Oh! I no longer hate being caught out. In fact, I laugh most of the time, because I love to think I am such a sweetheart, and I honestly do not know where I get that idea.

Early on in this gig, I remember someone telling me that the difference between my view of my behavior and the view of others is that I color my view with my intentions and others just see the behavior. That is such an accurate way of knowing what is really going on.

No matter what stories I may tell about WHY I am an asshole, it matters not one bit. Being an asshole is being an asshole. My fear or my drama may give you a reason to understand it, but it does NOT excuse it or make it okay. Just another story.

So, it is imperative that I embrace fully the truth about me being an asshole. I need to learn to stop that, no matter what is going on or how I feel or what story is being lived out. It does NOT matter. I do not have any excuse or reason or justification for being an asshole. 

Even when drinking, I do not get to use being loaded as a reason or an excuse. It is not acceptable to me or anyone else that this is what I am doing.

So, I think anguish may be the story of Ego, but not the truth. Truth is clean and feels clean. I always have a deep respect for the Universe when I see my part in something that is not okay. I always also love the process of seeing my part in an asshole situation. I may want to blame you so I can save face, but there is nothing to be gained by saving face anyway. Ah! Yes, honesty. It is such a great thing to live with.

Published by: Kelly

I am a therapist and counselor with long-term recovery from addictions and personal trauma. My writing reflects these experiences and the road I have traveled in 12-Step recovery settings, along with the work I have done for over 30 years in the field. My love of dolphins includes the stories of them being healers in places all over the world. I long to offer every broken spirit and body the experience of a healing hug. May my words and stories inform, uplift and delight your spirit and soothe your weary heart.

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