April 4

HONESTY MONTH: DAY 4: “We’re meant to protect each other, but not from everything. Not from

the truth. That’s what it means to love someone but let them be themselves.” ― Cassandra Clare

When we dare to learn our own truths, it makes space in our lives and hearts for us to live authentically. That is quite different from how we get here.

Being authentic is not an “in your face” shouting out of opinions about others. It is an acceptance of our personalities, our attitudes and behaviors that we come to in this process of recovery. Being authentic is the recognition of our assets and liabilities, our part in the mess our lives had become, and the real truth about what we think of this shit.

As we learn to become more self-aware and gain insight, we are able to free ourselves of the old ideas that have been crippling us. When we can navigate this stuff, we will find that our lives have been impacted in a thousand ways besides drugs and alcohol.

We have destroyed our trust in our own ability to see and recognize the truth in situations, because we have failed to see our stories from every side.

For me, good sponsorship is the ability of the women I have worked with to tell me the truth behind what I believe is happening. I am unable to get there sometimes. It used to be all the time, so there has been some progress here. As I have lived with these truths, I can recognize my old ideas at work in my life much more quickly and stop them as much as I am capable.

It is not a perfect process for me. I have done and said and believed some stuff that is insane! And still do…nearly every day. It has lessened and is WAY more uncomfortable than it used to be. Thank goodness for this process. I love it more every day.

My discomfort is lessened each time I tell the truth about Kelly. Not about you. About me. It takes me less time to see it and own it. I get to work with that sponsor who lets me know when I am being a selfish asshole, which still happens. And she also lets me know that there is progress in me. I love that! I will always want to please her, because it is still at the core of my being.

I don’t have to kill myself to please others, but it never completely dies. I hope I never keep anyone’s truth from them. I have to work diligently to keep it away from the opinions I am still quite fond of, but am not perfect (by far!) there either. I would rather hurt someone’s feelings than see them go down a dark road because I said nothing. I will take that risk and feel better than I ever do when I see something and don’t speak. It is all such a wonderful balancing act. And I have fallen so many times, I am getting pretty good at laughing at my imbalances and cleaning them up as best I can.

Life is good doing this stuff. I want to lose all traces of bullshit in my life. It takes up space that is way better spent laughing at my foibles.