October 11

DISCIPLINE MONTH: DAY 11: “I have come to realize that discipline is not about rules. Discipline is about respect.” ― Janna Cachola

We can only have discipline for our own purposes. Imposed discipline is about boundaries. Because addicts have little or no personal discipline, they have no boundaries. Nor do they respect others’ boundaries.

I have learned to be disciplined in many arenas of life. Therefore, I have strong boundaries for those who would impose themselves into my life. I do not care a bit for how that gets interpreted. It is none of my business what others think or believe about me. I am crystal clear with that. And with the boundaries that keep me from being imposed upon.

My husband taught me more than I knew about this. He was a very private man. The gossip of others (all in the fellowship!) hurt him deeply. He was distressed by the fact that important parts of his personal life were shared freely by those who thought it was their duty to talk about his life in ways he did not appreciate or want.

He never spoke to those individuals again. They were never part of his life after that.

We get to decide who is and who is not in our inner circle. I have a wonderful life. Although I can talk about it at length and share it freely with those who are part of my circle, I do NOT welcome others who are not.

This may include people (a lot of them!) who are in fellowships where they think they know me, because they see me at meetings. That does NOT constitute friendship for me. It means I am an acquaintance. If you are not part of my inner circle, you are not privy to my life, especially my time and my home. I do not return those calls, because I do not want to talk with you.

These are my boundaries. The principle of Asteya, or non-stealing, means that I do not take time from you that you are not willing to give. Nor do I give time that I am not willing to give. Those who know me well know that I will spend an entire day  (or days) if we are working through steps or some kind of life challenge in the program. This is how I work with others. If you are here to get recovery and a spiritual way of life, my door is open until you waste my time.

Then it is closed and will remain so. I will meet sincere effort with sincere attention and time. Those are the most precious gifts we can give each other. Deep attention and time. The rest is BS. If you take advantage, you are disrespectful. I have other things to do with my time and attention. They are the only essence of this thing called life.

I will not throw them away on anyone. Nor do I give them where I do not want to. I am not here for your drama or your BS. If that is what I see, I am done. Anyone who does not understand how I roll is not part of my inner circle.

Because there are so many addicts in my life, I have a turn over in who I am working with. Some of my folks stay a long time. The rest are insincere about this work, so they gotta go. It is a matter of respect. I do not demand it from others, only myself. And how that works is I do not allow anyone to disrespect me twice. I don’t have time for that shit!

Published by: Kelly

I am a therapist and counselor with long-term recovery from addictions and personal trauma. My writing reflects these experiences and the road I have traveled in 12-Step recovery settings, along with the work I have done for over 30 years in the field. My love of dolphins includes the stories of them being healers in places all over the world. I long to offer every broken spirit and body the experience of a healing hug. May my words and stories inform, uplift and delight your spirit and soothe your weary heart.

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