INTEGRITY MONTH: DAY 12: “I can tell you who I am, but I’d rather have you watch who I am.” ― Craig D. Lounsbrough
I am happy writing about integrity. This is the hardest concept for some of us to embrace. We believe that others are here to become the person we want them to be. I cannot tell you how often I get to watch others begin a relationship with what is a “potentially” perfect partner. Then they begin to re-arrange that person to be who they want to have a relationship with.
I am always intrigued by those who want to tell me to do this or that thing, to change this or that aspect of who I am to be who they want me to become, for them. We do this all the time, it is part of our social contract.
Because of the deeply seated brokenness of my early life, I am susceptible to wanting to be liked and approved of by others. This can become crippling when I am busy trying to be who you need me to be and find myself angry and hating YOU because it doesn’t work.
I am working through another layer of this healing, which is perfect. This writing each day, and the other work I do, is always perfect; because I am always in this process. I am allowing others to be who they are and letting them think what they want about me.
I do not need approval, although there is a deep-down sense of anxiety that comes up when I say that. Old ideas, lots of them. I am the only person who needs to approve of myself. This is incredible! And a very long time coming.
In recovery, there are people whose need for approval and acceptance makes them really desperate and quite sad, as I see it. They must be liked by everyone to get up in the morning. I am not that person. I am okay with a handful of those people who I truly love and respect. There are a few whom I sponsor and work with, and there are a small number I will work with deeply.
The rest is none of my business.
So, I walk my road. Step 5 allows me to look at who I am and allow the Universal Power to use or remove those aspects of my life that are painful and doing harm to myself or others. The rest is left for me to continue to do this work. It is the process of many, many years and who knows how many lifetimes.
I am also doing some deep work on personal beliefs and old ideas. I have so many. They come up and I deal with them on this level. Then they come up again and the process continues, over and over again. It is amazing and seldom as scary as it once was. I enjoy this work, it is the blessing of this lifetime!