HONESTY MONTH: DAY 26: “The armour of falsehood is subtly wrought out of darkness, and hides a man not only from others, but from his own soul.” ― E.M. Forster
I did not know, when I began this journey, that honesty and truth would become a quest. I could not have believed it then, that I was longing for truth. I truly believed that I was born a liar and would always be one.
There are times when I want to embrace delusion, because it is like a dragonfly to me, pretty and ethereal and flitting from one thing to another. I like that, but it never feels substantive for me. I do want substantive and tangible more today than I did in my past.
Not that there is anything concrete about truth. There isn’t. It changes with each moment, with each breath, with each turn of the sun and the moon.
I love the idea of being transparent. For so long, I believed I was invisible on a material level. I was so empty and shallow and dying inside. Now, I feel clean and fresh most of the time. I feel good almost all the time. I cannot imagine ever feeling like that person who is sitting in the darkness where I once lived and longed to stay.
Emotional honesty is such a powerful way to live. To be who I am, to remain true to myself and what matters to me. To stand in MY truth and live there, even when it is not the popular or cool thing to do. That is what I longed for. My soul can fly today, just like that beautiful dragonfly.
I get to be the person I most wanted to kill. Isn’t that something? I think so. I did not know that this path would lead me to that place. I thought it would be just a journey of better social skills and behavior. It is, but then there is so much more. It is falling in love with myself and letting the world in on that.
It is walking through the world with values and being okay that they are vastly different from the values of others. It is also allowing that they can do what they want, and it has nothing to do with me. That is the greatest of all the gifts, I suppose.
I have been so ashamed and so sad and so lost in this life that there is no straight line from there to here. But, I will give all credit to the Step that, for me, has wrought the greatest and most powerful change. That is Step 4, where I must learn to sit in front of the mirror and SEE what is there. To SEE and hold who I am and what I am up to. To learn about THAT person and love her and allow her to stop pretending to be other than who she truly is…what a wonderful thing this is!