April 17

HONESTY MONTH: DAY 17: “Being nice merely to be liked in return nullifies the point.” ― Criss Jami

Again, this is the theme of my project that I am undergoing for this week, so I appreciate the coincidal opportunity to look at “being nice.”

There is a hook there, if you don’t know it. A manipulation that is designed to get me what I want from you. I was never very good at it, except with men. Who, I always believed, had everything I wanted. It is a cultural truth that was dispelled for me at a very young age. Thank goodness.

I don’t need to be taken care of, so that need is gone, old idea, for sure. The Universe has proven to me, year after year, that I am quite capable of providing my own financial sustenance. And when that seemed to fail, other resources came into the picture. Not right away, there was more learning around all of that.

I can honestly tell you that I am nice when I think I have to be. There is an ongoing conversation in my life right now around a person with whom I recently worked for over a year and who was very difficult to get along with.

I worked to be understanding and not get into a spitting contest with this person. I understand it is all about their stuff, not me. So, I have not been ugly or toxic in return. Although the thought is with me all the time, I want to be an example of what we learn here. Others have encouraged me to act differently, but I continue to set boundaries, instead of burning bridges.

It is interesting, because none of this is my “go-to” behavior. Nor has it come from a place of deep comfort for me. It takes work, which tells ME I am on the right path. I do not let this person walk all over me, but I certainly do not need to tear his face off.

So, today, this is not yet over. It could go on for another year in the arena where we interface. OR, I can call it quits and walk away from the person and the situation and not allow him to participate in this event any longer. The situation is not that new for me.

I resolve conflict with harsh weapons, most of the time. I see conflict as a threat to my very existence, because that is the old idea I come from. Trust me, I went to a biker gang when I was young to feel safe from my father and family. A little over-kill, I think. I am like that.

Verbally or emotionally shooting this guy and all he stands for, along with the group he represents, are not the way to resolve the conflict. So, I will continue to look for the middle road. It is important to me that I walk in honor and integrity. Without having to put myself or others through the ugly-ness that he brings to the group.

I love solutions. I love it that I do not need to be nice to this man or anyone else. I just need to walk in the “sunlight of the spirit” and show him what OUR BB really looks like, walking and talking and working through these things without weapons. What a great thing this is!

Published by: Kelly

I am a therapist and counselor with long-term recovery from addictions and personal trauma. My writing reflects these experiences and the road I have traveled in 12-Step recovery settings, along with the work I have done for over 30 years in the field. My love of dolphins includes the stories of them being healers in places all over the world. I long to offer every broken spirit and body the experience of a healing hug. May my words and stories inform, uplift and delight your spirit and soothe your weary heart.

Leave a comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s