April 6

HONESTY MONTH: DAY 6: “When we turn around & come face to face with our destiny, we discover that words (spoken) are not enough. I know so many people who are brilliant speakers but are quite incapable of practicing what they preach. It’s one thing to describe a situation & quite another to experience it.

I realized a long time ago that a warrior in search of his dream must take his inspiration from what he actually does & not from what he imagines himself doing.” ― Paulo Coelho

Oh…this one just hits in the solar plexus, doesn’t it? I want so badly to be the person I long to be. However, my humanity requires that I fall quite short on most days. My ego tells me I am spiritually fit, and then I do something that is so NOT that.

Thank God for these steps, for this ongoing process of checking myself against the standards we can read about any time we open the book and check it out. I get a sinking sensation in my gut when I know I just did something wrong.

I would love to tell you that it is a new thing, but it has ALWAYS been with me. I had to use a lot of drugs and drink rivers of booze to cover it up. This, I believe, is the thing that keeps us drinking and using after we first start. The feeling of relief we get when the voice of our hearts cannot out scream the Purple Screaming Monkeys (SPM).

What happens for me is the ability to feel the same kind of relief the minute I own my shit and take some action to clean it up. I usually write about it in my morning journaling and then take action as soon as possible. It is, now, for me, the same relief I got from using and drinking. That sense of letting someone know that I know that my behavior was off base. And then not doing it again.

Because this process works so well, it becomes an ingrained part of my life. Along with this writing about my feelings every day, I automatically work through the stuff on pages 86, 87 and 88, just like Mean Allene taught me so many years ago. And, I still answer the questions out loud. She has been gone for 24 years, but I still hear her telling me to do that.

And I do, nearly every day. I am not going to claim perfect practice or adherence to these things. But I know when I am and when I am not doing this. And I love, love, love my life. That is the best measure I can ever imagine using. I am a warrior, in search of my dream…and most of the time, I am living it!

Published by: Kelly

I am a therapist and counselor with long-term recovery from addictions and personal trauma. My writing reflects these experiences and the road I have traveled in 12-Step recovery settings, along with the work I have done for over 30 years in the field. My love of dolphins includes the stories of them being healers in places all over the world. I long to offer every broken spirit and body the experience of a healing hug. May my words and stories inform, uplift and delight your spirit and soothe your weary heart.

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