March 28

FAITH MONTH: DAY 28: “It must be comforting, to have a faith like that. To believe so concretely that there’s someone—something— out there watching guard, keeping us safe, testing us only with what we can handle.” ― Hannah Harrington

I felt like this for so long! I wanted to believe, and in some ways, I did. But my faith was shaky, and I was full of fear and doubt. I wanted, so badly, to believe and trust, but did not.

I had so much ego in charge, I really believed it was ALL me. I would quote the gurus of the self-help movement about being powerful and able to do whatever I wanted and how I “had this.” It was all a bunch of crap!

I am NOT the master of my own destiny; thank you very much. Nor do I want to be. One of my greatest awakenings came when I was 6 or 7 years along in this thing. I always went primarily to BB studies and Step studies, because I cannot sit long with group discussion meetings. Shoot me now! I was in a Step Study meeting on Step 3 (!); which is where I always needed the most help.

When we read the part about the “hole in the doughnut,” my brain exploded! Wait! THAT is ALL I want to be…the hole in the friggin’ doughnut! To be surrounded by and defined by and with nothing else in my existence except that POWER! Wow!

Since that time, this has been my focus, my purpose, my goal…to be the hole in the doughnut! It is such a lovely idea. There is nothing left of ME except that which is defined by, surrounded by and exists only as an outcome of that Power.

Now, as all of you know, this is not yet in place. But the journey from there to here is ongoing and I am so much closer than I ever have been before. The significant episodes of spiritual awakening and awareness have been astonishing! And, I no longer have doubt at all. What a gift.

My life has become centered in the faith I always longed for. The longing of my heart is NOT about a man or a new shiny thing. Although they are fun, and I do love pretty, shiny things, ALL I want is that Power to be within me and to feel and express THAT. Oh, and of course a man (don’t even get me started on the shoes!) would be okay too.

THAT is NOT the focus of my life. It is all about the faith that sustains me every day, most of the time, all day. Sometimes I get caught in the old ideas of Kelly being in charge. Because my intentions are set on that not going on for too long, it crashes quickly, and beautifully, into the plan of that wonderful Power who brought me here against my best intentions so long ago. My deepest wishes have truly all been given to me.

Published by: Kelly

I am a therapist and counselor with long-term recovery from addictions and personal trauma. My writing reflects these experiences and the road I have traveled in 12-Step recovery settings, along with the work I have done for over 30 years in the field. My love of dolphins includes the stories of them being healers in places all over the world. I long to offer every broken spirit and body the experience of a healing hug. May my words and stories inform, uplift and delight your spirit and soothe your weary heart.

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