FAITH MONTH: DAY 26: “On a long journey of human life, faith is the best of companions; it is the best refreshment on the journey; and it is the greatest property.” – Buddha
I am very comfortable in solitude. I love the things I do when in my own company. When I want to be with others, I arrange to be with others. There is a small circle of people with whom I hang out. I love my friends. And I love some of the people who are part of my tribe.
My tribe in recovery can be large, but often I find that I am my best companion. My faith is very strong, so I take it with me wherever I go. I like this quote, because I am not with anyone who has ever been part of my entire journey.
There is no one in my life today who knew me as a child, except a couple of folks on fb. I don’t count them, because we are not in the day-to-dayness of life. I am not like most of my friends who are in ongoing relationships with their families or long-term friends. That has never been my path. While I have a very distant relationship to the remaining family members I have, they are not part of my tribe and have not ever been so.
All my life, I KNEW there was something that made it all make sense. It took a long time for this to all come to where I am today (long time!), so I get it that I was gathering evidence and did not always understand how to put the pieces together. None of us does.
I do know that I always trusted that I was going to be okay. I always knew it. Even when I was all alone and hitch-hiking through the various countries where I travelled. I always knew I was okay when I was a little girl and the horrors of that time were taking place.
I always knew. My faith was always there. And it never, ever (and still doesn’t) resonated with the stuff I was being taught in my daily attendance in school (Catholic). I know a lot of folks whose faith is still in that quarter. I did not believe any of it.
I am so grateful to have gotten to this place. It is so freeing to be sitting in the kind of acceptance and faith that I have gotten with the 12 Steps. It gave me the format for the life I was gathering pieces of evidence for. I did not know the structure it would take.
Today, after all these years, I feel like I can almost see the outline of it all. My faith is deep because I do not need to know today. On the days when the fear is running the show, (damn the screaming purple monkeys!), I want to have a sense of CERTAINTY. Most of us confuse certainty with faith. They are NOT the same.
Nor is faith a guarantee of outcomes. The only things I have faith in are the certainties of life. As one of my favorite authors says; “…what I have learned about life is…it goes on.” So far, that has been my experience. Even so, one day it will not be. I have that certainty well in my pocket as well. A good sense of my own mortality makes each day more precious and wonderful. Getting past the fear of death gives me a greater ability to live without fear of living.
And I do not postpone anything! I do it NOW, because that is all I have, for sure. I love this faith thing. I am so grateful I have finally quit whining about wanting CERTAINTY and GUARANTEES and ANSWERS. The monkeys are quiet today, and my life is beyond amazing!
