FAITH MONTH: DAY 16: “I want neither a terrorist spirituality that keeps me in a perpetual state of fright about being in right relationship with my heavenly Father nor a sappy spirituality that portrays God as such a benign teddy bear that there is no aberrant behavior or desire of mine that he will not condone. I want a relationship with the Abba of Jesus, who is infinitely compassionate with my brokenness and at the same time an awesome, incomprehensible, and unwieldy Mystery.” ― Brennan Manning
I love the idea of finding what kind of Power we want to have in our lives. When I was about 2 years into this thing, I hit my first big roadblock with this step.
Life was going great, but my relationship had to grow. So, I sat down and wrote out a divorce decree with the God of my upbringing…the concepts pounded into my head (and, literally, my knuckles) by the nuns and priests. I did not want to deal with another abusive entity! So, I divorced that Catholic bastard that was so mean and demanding!
Then I began to write out the kind of Power I wanted. My sponsor had told me to do this with the kind of love relationship I wanted in my life, so I could see how the men I dated measured up. It made sense (to me!) that I should do this with Step 3 and the “God of my understanding” as well.
Funny, I hear newcomers talk about this all the time, but none of them make that logical (to me) connection between a possible mate and the PRIMARY relationship we are here to create! Well, I did! And I wrote out a great list of things this new Power should have. A job description, if you will. And it was like I wanted to hire Santa Claus and a Sugar Daddy!
I refined the list, with the help of my sponsor, who laughed her ass off at my crazy idea! And that is exactly the Power that is part of my life today. Amazing!
It is not too far off from the one spoken about in this quote.
With my ego, which is so large it has its own zip code and mailing address, I must remember not to create that Power in a form that resembles ME. No sense of humor, no anger, no recriminations or punishments, none of that crap. This is Creative and Loving and I must adhere to the rules of my own heart. That is where I speak with and listen to the Power.
I see and witness the Power in many ways, but the quiet voice only speaks to me in solitude and quiet. Therefore, I have stopped praying for anything other than what we talk about in Step 11. I do not ask for anything other than knowledge of God’s Will for me and the power to carry it out. Period. No prayers for my hangnails to heal or my dog to walk better or for Aunt Sally to get past her cancer. Just the knowledge of what to accept and the power to do it.
Simple, it is all very simple. It is too bad that there are so many prayers around the meetings. It confuses newcomers with what to pray for and to whom and so much other stuff. But, you know how we are, we like it complicated so Ego can get in there and mess it up.