February 3

HOPE MONTH: DAY 3: “Desire makes life happen. Makes it matter. Makes everything worth it. Desire is life. Hunger to see the next sunrise or sunset, to touch the one you love, to try again. Hell would be waking up and wanting nothing. ― Karen Marie Moning

There is a fine line between expectation and desire. We may want something, but when we cannot let go of how it happens, we end up with expectations.

These are what I have heard in meetings being called “pre-meditated resentments.” This is true. But our spirits are meant to live and keep going, no matter what the story we tell ourselves. Life can be very uncomfortable at times. We can feel desperate or despairing.

Most of the time, when we are at the end of our solutions, we are in a very spiritual place. Why? Because we have let go of having the answers and can be awake and aware that perhaps there are other sources out there.

This is the basis for most spiritual growth, in my experience. Just at the moment when I “give up,” I am letting go in reality.

We get here like this. We are at the end of our inner determination and drive to do OUR will and let go into the idea that maybe there is a better way. Oh!

Only when my head is hurting too badly for me to pound it into the brick walls one more time have I put myself into a state of openness and possibility. The end of my road and ideas is the beginning of a spiritual possibility.

We all have some ideation of suicide; that we are out of options and cannot go on living for even one more second. This will seldom come to pass, as my experience has taught me. I have had someone close to me commit suicide. It is terrible, but I also know that if it isn’t the will of the Universe, it will be stopped. This is tricky stuff to navigate.

So, rather, we will speak of the bottom that we reach in order to be placed in a position to recover. It will seldom be the idea we come to on our own. There is always a state of grace and desperation that combine to bring us this event.

It takes great courage to continue to dream, to live, to breathe; even when these things seem to hurt our bodies and souls. I felt like that at the news that my husband was dying. I had a purpose, though, to take care of him through the months that he was actively dying.

And that was good, because I found the beauty and joy of life in those months. I found the reasons that I needed to be alive and thrive as a spiritual person. A great time of learning, because I learned not to take myself so seriously. I have found that this is the key to hope. Knowing that I am not driving this cosmic bus. Knowing that there is something, somewhere that will intervene and take my life and use it to good purpose. It ain’t up to ME. This is great news!

Published by: Kelly

I am a therapist and counselor with long-term recovery from addictions and personal trauma. My writing reflects these experiences and the road I have traveled in 12-Step recovery settings, along with the work I have done for over 30 years in the field. My love of dolphins includes the stories of them being healers in places all over the world. I long to offer every broken spirit and body the experience of a healing hug. May my words and stories inform, uplift and delight your spirit and soothe your weary heart.

Leave a comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s