April 14

HONESTY MONTH: DAY 14: “The truly scary thing about undiscovered lies is that they have a greater capacity to diminish us than exposed ones.” ― Cheryl Hughes

There is an inherent threat in dishonest communication. Even to the extent that we do not disclose our real feelings in a situation, there is an underlying tension within us when we have to deal with that person in the future; something within us recoils from them in some way when there is a lack of truth between us. What is frightening to me is the number of people with whom I am acquainted who do not disclose truths to someone they are embarking on a relationship with, especially if that relationship is a primary sexual one or has the potential to become one. We have all been hurt by others’ dishonesty in life. It is not right for us to perpetuate the idea of secrets or half-truths. That is the cause of shame. When we are able to own ourselves for who and what we are, we can begin to trust that others are a part of our lives with a fully-disclosed basis for being there. Some people have commented on my need for full transparency and that I “over-share” myself. I am okay with that. Having had entire relationships with big secrets kept is the reason for this. I do not want to be around people with secrets! It diminishes both of us. I feel untrusted and wonder what else I do not know about that person. There is no basis for relationship, for me, when the other person has secrets that are kept. I do not have the ability to do “social relationships” where I chit-chat with others. I enjoy deep and significant relationships where we are free to talk about the real shit. Why waste time on talking about the weather or a movie or book? I want to know, really know who someone is. I have very little time for the other types of people. I find them shallow and get easily bored. If I can connect with someone deeply, I am happy to spend time with them. If we are too different, I like to see if there is any reason to bridge the gaps. Most of the time, I enjoy their views if they can discuss them without getting defensive. It is good to learn from others. I do not discount others for having different views, just for being either dishonest or unwilling to go deeply into something with me. I listen and advise in my work, so I get to hear a lot of secrets others have and have been willing to die with. I am all about ridding the world of this kind of crap. I do not disclose the things others confide in me…that is called gossip and it is not part of my journey. I find that people with secrets or who are not dialed into their own hearts have a tendency to discuss others in damaging ways. I really work at not engaging in this behavior. There is a part of me that delights in knowing about others and I sometimes listen longer than I should. But I work hard at never talking about anyone who is not present to the conversation. There is no need, if I keep myself interesting and interested in the conversation at hand. And I have little to worry about as far as recriminations go…and few regrets about what I have said to others.

Published by: Kelly

I am a therapist and counselor with long-term recovery from addictions and personal trauma. My writing reflects these experiences and the road I have traveled in 12-Step recovery settings, along with the work I have done for over 30 years in the field. My love of dolphins includes the stories of them being healers in places all over the world. I long to offer every broken spirit and body the experience of a healing hug. May my words and stories inform, uplift and delight your spirit and soothe your weary heart.

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