COURAGE MONTH: DAY 10: “Courage is the complement of fear. A man who is fearless cannot be courageous. [He is also a fool.]”― Robert A. Heinlein
Hahaha…yeah, I get that. I remember being very high (when I wasn’t in a blackout) and thinking I could do and be things that were not smart…who, me???
Personal boundaries include knowing what I can or cannot do. Knowing what is going to hurt me either physically or emotionally. I did not have these filters for my behavior for a long time. I just did not care. This comes from severe abuse and is only exacerbated by drugs and booze.
And the things I would do because I just believed I did not care. Someone told me early on in this recovery thing that the biggest lie we tell as addicts, whether in or out of recovery was that we don’t care. Or, as I more delicately phrased it, “I don’t give a f—k.”
Untrue, as my friend told me, and I really resonated with what he said. The truth is that we care so much it kills us inside. But we just get angry and decide it is too much work to care. Or that it hurts too much. I can go either way.
Who knew? Anyway, being fearless, or thinking I could be is another great lie I told myself. There are quite a few. This one got me into more trouble than I can say. I was afraid of letting you know I was afraid. Yeah, big time. So I had to constantly prove myself to be unafraid by doing some of the stupidest shit in my life.
Now I just say, “No thanks.” I have nothing to prove to anyone. I am so glad, because my growing up in these areas coincides with my getting older. I am way more concerned about personal harm I don’t need to inflict on myself to get your attention. Thank God for that!
Dolphin Hug 