May 27

INTEGRITY MONTH: DAY 27: “The distance between your knowledge of truth and your obedience is called lack of integrity. And the amount of negative behavior–or lack of integrity–a person exhibits is directly proportional to their amount of pain.” ― Tara Leigh Cobble

When I know better and do less than what I know is right, it IS painful. I feel like crap and cannot convince myself, no matter how creative Ego’s arguments, that it is justified or okay. I KNOW. I have always known. I do believe this is the thing that is at the bottom we reach. We can blame drugs and alcohol all day long, but it is because we KNOW we are living without a rudder that we hit that bottom.

And the worse we feel, the more we drink and drug. A never-ending cycle of shame and abuse that will not get better until we DO better.

The space where we practice lack of integrity can become a chasm when we are in that mindset. I can blame you all day long for my inability to square myself with my sense of honor, but it will do me no good until I look into that mirror, no matter how much I wish to avoid it.

This quote is new for me this year. I love it, because it so perfectly states the nature of the pain I got here with. I don’t have that pain in my life today. Once in a while I act in ways that are less than honorable, and I get to feel that old sinking sensation in my gut. It won’t stop until I address the issue of my own responsibility to take the upper hand and clean it up. Talk about my part and take responsibility. I did not know this was a solution…I always thought it was punishment…funny how my perspective has changed around here.

And a relief when I get past Ego and just take that action to make it right. And own my shit. And stop trying to make it everyone else’s shit. What a great deal that is!

Published by: Kelly

I am a therapist and counselor with long-term recovery from addictions and personal trauma. My writing reflects these experiences and the road I have traveled in 12-Step recovery settings, along with the work I have done for over 30 years in the field. My love of dolphins includes the stories of them being healers in places all over the world. I long to offer every broken spirit and body the experience of a healing hug. May my words and stories inform, uplift and delight your spirit and soothe your weary heart.

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