HONESTY MONTH: DAY 6:
“Keep your heart clear
And you will
Never be bound.
A single disturbed thought
Creates ten thousand distractions.”― Ryokan
I think one of the first things I really attached to in recovery was “Happy, joyous and free.” I wanted that one really bad when I got here.
I don’t think I really believed it, but I know I wanted it. Bad. I have it today…and the free part is probably the biggest gift of all for me.
I am free of the shame I had for so many years, even long into recovery. It did not leave with the first or the 10th or the 100th inventory. It took a long time.
I am free of the guilt of my old behaviors and the way I abused and used people. I work hard at not doing that today.
I am free of the way I looked over my shoulder all the time. I have integrity today, and I live the 12 steps, so I can clean up my messes and stop looking down and stop looking back. One of the greatest freedoms of all, because it was the source of me allowing terrible treatment to become habitual in my life, by me and everyone else.
I am free of so much of my rage. It was misdirected, being the victim was my only role when I got here. That too took a large number of these inventories to achieve.
I am free of my criminal past. It took a long time to get my record expunged and I am proud to say that I have the freedom of walking in and out of prisons anywhere I want to go today. That is awesome.
It also allows me to be licensed to work inside jails and prisons and I have for many years. My licensure to do the work I do has to be approved by those agencies I used to hide out from. I have worked in courts and police departments, with sheriffs’ departments and so many other agencies who spent years hunting me down for my crazy addict behavior. I am truly free of that!
I am free of the crippling debt I had with the IRS. That took 19 years and I am grateful as hell for the mean, horrible sponsor who insisted I repay that debt when I got here. I hated her, but I knew she was right. (I really did not hate her, just that I had to send them MY money.) The reframe was that it was NOT my money, it was theirs. Oh!
I am free of the resentments, ongoing pain I caused myself by hating others who had “done me wrong” and that I carried for many years around here. I am free!
And, because of all these freedoms, I am happy and joyous…I thought it was going to work the other way around, but it is my work that creates the freedom…and then I get to be happy and joyous. Isn’t that wonderful? I believe it is!