April 4

HONESTY MONTH: DAY 4: “For the believer, humility is honesty about one’s greatest flaws to a degree in which he is fearless about truly appearing less righteous than another.”― Criss Jami

I am not sure why this quote starts out with…”For the believer.” I am pretty sure the rest is true of any of us.

When I did my first few 4th Steps, I was not a strong believer. My faith was that there had been some people invested in my recovery with me whose faith I clung to. I was not there yet, but I would be and today I am.

I DO know that the process of seeing my side of the street has humbled me a million times over. The BB says that my ego has to be smashed, and it has been. But the damned thing has a million lives. It never dies completely. So interesting. Just when I think I have it cornered, it comes out swinging with another idea or story. Shit!

So I will never finish this thing, is all I can surmise. My flaws are the same. They never sprout new babies for me to contend with. It is amazing as hell that they keep coming to me like they do. Trying on new hats and telling me they have a new name. Oh sure!

I am no better or worse than anyone. I know folks who have done things that are deemed more seriously wrong in some circles, but I cannot judge that. Society has judgements to mete out. For myself, I have to keep that at bay. It is another way Ego steps in. To tell me that my wrongs are far less than those of others, especially those who I believe wronged me. Yikes! Right back on the hamster wheel I go. So I get to redo this again and again, staying off the other lanes and focusing only on my own.

What a great way to live! I laugh and laugh when I listen to new members talking about how they are done forever with their inventory. Oh sure! We will see how that goes. I already know. It takes about a week before I have a new resentment. Really the same old shit, just in a new hat. Every time! I am sure I am never going to be very pristine in this thing. I can pretend to be, but that defeats the purpose here, doesn’t it? Yeah, I think so.

All the work in the world is never going to make Kelly squeaky clean. But I got the tools, and like any good mechanic, I am not afraid of getting dirty in order to clean up my messes. That is all that is required, as far as I know.

Published by: Kelly

I am a therapist and counselor with long-term recovery from addictions and personal trauma. My writing reflects these experiences and the road I have traveled in 12-Step recovery settings, along with the work I have done for over 30 years in the field. My love of dolphins includes the stories of them being healers in places all over the world. I long to offer every broken spirit and body the experience of a healing hug. May my words and stories inform, uplift and delight your spirit and soothe your weary heart.

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