FAITH MONTH: DAY 5: “Even the merest gesture is holy if it is filled with faith.”― Franz Kafka
I laughed at this quote this morning. It brought up my early days in recovery. I have never, as an adult, prayed on my knees. I resist this because of my Catholic upbringing. The hours and hours of kneeling as a child did little to instill faith in me. Nor do I feel closer to any kind of Powerful entity when doing so. I always felt punished. (Probably all those Hail Mary’s and Our Fathers I did as penance!)
Anyway, after my first 5th Step, I remember going home, just like the book says, reading the material it suggested, and getting on my knees to faithfully ask for my defects to be removed. I immediately, upon getting on my knees, remember thinking…”Oh Hell…God is gonna have a good laugh at this…I am doing penance again!” I got up and never have I done that again.
I truly do not need to kneel to talk to the Power I have in my life today. The communication I have with that Power is from the heart. I do not use rote prayers, except in meetings. I do not need to. I have earnest, heartfelt conversations that come from the heart. I do exactly as the 11th Step suggests, “asking only for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry it out.” No Santa Claus crap in my prayers. I do not beg for anything to be done for me or anyone else.
Even when my husband was in his final dying time, I prayed only for his peace, because that is all I could ever ask for. We prayed together when he was able. And he knew how I was about prayer. I do not “petition the Lord with prayer,” as Jim Morrison put it. I believe this stuff is best when I keep it simple and cut through the shit I want from the Universe. That is futile and leads to unhappiness and dissatisfaction with life. Not so sure about you, but I got my fill of that a long time ago.
I don’t know what the Power is supposed to do about climate change or politics or my car dying or my test in History or my health issues or any of that…including whether I should have a winning lottery ticket. I just know that I say THANK YOU every single day for what IS and let the Power create as They will. Not my job. I do what is in front of me and what feels right and when I do something I feel wrong about, I clean it up.
I have never ever been comfortable with actions that hurt this beautiful planet or its inhabitants. I cry if I step on a spider or a bug. I see a lot of them in my gardening. I know I am wrong to be so selfish that my comfort or whatever is second to theirs. That is the Ego saying I am secondary, not Powers’ creations. I am here to learn to get along, not dominate. We can all learn more about this, I believe, especially if we are doing it in faith.