February 10

HOPE MONTH: DAY 10: “It’s probably my job to tell you life isn’t fair, but I figure you already know that. So instead, I’ll tell you that hope is precious, and you’re right not to give up.”― C.J. Redwine

Yes! Life is precious too. I was on a suicide mission when I got into this recovery deal. Serious suicide mission. It wasn’t that I wanted to give up drugs and alcohol. That never occurred to me…really! It was that I did not have the energy or the desire to live one more day in the way I was living. I was so OVER it!

And I got to that place where I got the message of recovery in 12 steps. OMG! It was an incredible revelation.

I was shocked to learn that people actually wanted to do this thing. To stop drinking and drugging, since they were the recognized problem…(that took me about 45 days to get to!) and practice spiritual principles to live life “Happy, Joyous and Free!” Really?

Wow! It was an interesting idea. I just loved Step Two, because I was seriously crazy. My insanity was of the diagnosable type. I was convinced that I had multiple personalities, because there was no way for me to explain the crazy thinking and stuff I did under the influence. I did not know about blackouts, except for having them. I explained it to myself as being in another personality when I could not remember what I did. It never occurred to me that this was addiction.

I would love to say that I jumped right on board with these ideas and remedies. However, it took about 45 days before I heard someone share in a way that woke me up. I wanted what she had. It wasn’t her recovery that really appealed to me. It was that she told a really ugly story about her life before recovery and told it in front of 300 or more people. Yikes! I really, really wanted that kind of freedom. I had such an ugly life to that point and did not know that the over-riding theme of my life was shame. She named it for me, and I cried for the first time in so many, many years.

Since that time, I have held onto hope in the face of deep work through that ugly life. Through times when I did not know I could work through shame and anger and rage like I had carried with me all those years.

No, life isn’t fair, but it is truly beautiful and rich and very, very precious. I love life today. That is such a long road from where it was. Recovery in every area, spiritual, physical, emotional, mental, social, familial, and personal…there is no longer shame in my life. I am exactly what you guys told me about, “Happy, Joyous, and Free!”

Published by: Kelly

I am a therapist and counselor with long-term recovery from addictions and personal trauma. My writing reflects these experiences and the road I have traveled in 12-Step recovery settings, along with the work I have done for over 30 years in the field. My love of dolphins includes the stories of them being healers in places all over the world. I long to offer every broken spirit and body the experience of a healing hug. May my words and stories inform, uplift and delight your spirit and soothe your weary heart.

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