December 16

LOVE MONTH: DAY 16: “Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.”― Rainer Maria Rilke

We have so many aspects to our psyche. Our consciousness is comprised of many levels, most of which we are completely unaware of and work to subdue. This quote speaks to the path that I have worked to walk…the one where I embrace all my secret selves and love them as they are.

There are many emotionally fragmented pieces to each of us. We long to destroy or avoid or deny them all. Yet, my experience is that I get to love and confront and allow each of these pieces to live within the spiritual person I am becoming.

The process of learning ME means that I am willing to allow things to come up inside me that I will let live in the light. I remember starting therapy in my very early recovery, about 2 or 3 years into this thing. The therapist and I did not do a lot of work together.

One thing she said to me, though, has never left me. It was the basis for a lot of my future work. And that was her telling me that I had locked my little self in a closet (for protection, I suppose) when she was about 3 years old. (A lot of trauma around that time.) I had promised her I would let her out when it was safe. Well, I was around 32 or 33 at this time and she was still  in that closet! And she was really, really pissed! I get it.

I did this for so long! I would stuff and stuff ugly things into the tips of my toes and then not understand why I was so angry and full of rage! I had never allowed myself to be these things as they happened. I had all these dumb stories around them and believed (EGO!) that I had dealt with them. I never did. I think we all do this. Then we pour alcohol and drugs on top of it and call it a day…oh yeah!

And when the drugs and booze are gone, they start to come up, so we eat or shop or have sex or run around trying 5000 things to keep the demons at bay.

Never works. All we do is go sideways in a million ways. Passive-aggressive behaviors and Ego defenses flying through the air with the greatest of ease. And we mask and believe we are not that. Yeah, everyone else can see our shit, but us. We are the past masters at denying who and what we truly are. It is such a relief to just KNOW and ALLOW that we are nuts. That we are bitchy and whiney and less than spiritually fit when things trigger these old monsters inside us.

The sad part is this: Until we embrace and love these monsters, we cannot tame them and befriend them. We have to OWN our shit, all of it! And  love it all, even when it really, really stinks. I love that! I spent so much time trying to put a layer of lip gloss over this shit. What a relief to just let it BE what it is. I am not sweet and kind. Never been. Okay. Etc., etc., etc. It may not be to your liking, but I sure do love me today. That is the ONLY journey I am here to take. YAY!

Published by: Kelly

I am a therapist and counselor with long-term recovery from addictions and personal trauma. My writing reflects these experiences and the road I have traveled in 12-Step recovery settings, along with the work I have done for over 30 years in the field. My love of dolphins includes the stories of them being healers in places all over the world. I long to offer every broken spirit and body the experience of a healing hug. May my words and stories inform, uplift and delight your spirit and soothe your weary heart.

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