HUMILITY MONTH: DAY 4: “Self-emptiness prepares us for spiritual fullness.” ― Richard Sibbes
I have had days when I was so full of myself I felt miserable. I could not seem to break free of self-centered fear and self-importance and the like. I could feel it and somehow could not dispel its grip on me. Ugh!
This is the way my life was, consistently, for many years of drugging and drinking, even into the early years of recovery. There is nothing so self-absorbed as a newcomer with a story to tell. Hahaha! We get so consumed!
Emptying myself is the greatest challenge in my life. Letting go of all that I hold onto to define myself…my job, my home, my gardens, my animals, my travels, my meetings, my health, my money, my this or my that…yikes! It just goes on!
Learning to sit still and silently, inside myself is the greatest gift of all. Because it is the one I have to do the most to achieve. Getting an education isn’t that tough, getting married, staying clean and sober, all of the things that appeared so monstrous at the onset were relatively simple and easy. You guys told me how….”One day at a time.” And that is exactly how it happens. Buying and selling homes, moving into new ones, working with newcomers, these are the day to dayness that life becomes.
Then there are the moments when all I can do is sit quietly in meditation, alone with me. Although I do sometimes join in group meditation, I find that the practice I do alone is much more meaningful and fulfilling. And consistent.
And, when I get up from my cushion, I am filled with air. I can hear the vacuum of noiselessness inside me. Wow! That never happens.
I keep my home and my environment mostly noise-free. I used to do a lot of music and noise, today I am quieter. And I love the silence today. It used to make me nervous. I used to have to move and go and DO all the time. Not as much today. I am busy and my life is full, but not just going for the sake of going.
This is not listed in The Promises, but it should be. That I will find peace and contentment within myself. That I will be able to sit with me, quietly, without needing distraction and/or chaos and drama. That I will, despite my earlier addiction to it, eschew drama. Wow! Who knew what would come into being? I got glimpses of these things at about 12 years; and from there, it has grown and mushroomed and become a lifestyle, rather than the occasional occurrence.
I love this! And because I am at peace, it does not matter who knows or cares or who comes or who goes. I accept it all with equanimity most of the time. Occasionally, something can ruffle my feathers, but I get these great processes (steps!) to work through it all and here I am! Back where I most want to be…at home with myself in a quiet space. So pure, so simple, and so damned impossible from whence I began!