December 8

LOVE MONTH: DAY 8: “About all you can do in life is be who you are. Some people will love you for you. Most will love you for what you can do for them, and some won’t like you at all.” ― Rita Mae Brown

What a wonderful quote, right? All of us have been loved for what we can do for others, and it doesn’t feel good. Those of us who are People Pleasers will gravitate to this dynamic again and again, until we let go of that tendency.

We can step outside the need to be “be there” for toxic relationships and learn to “be there” for ourselves. We are here to learn that. And all the necessary players will continue to show up until we get the lesson and move to the next level of growth and healing.

I love this! As I more deeply learn to love ME more than YOU, I am gifted with this kind of growth and development. And it is quite contrary to what so many people believe about how we become less self-centered and grow.

So, we learn to be who we are. Not who others want us to be, but who we came here to be. Most of us will continue to try to please everyone else, and we get to see how painful that is and how angry and unhappy it makes us.

The more toxic our relationships become with those folks, the more disagreeable we become. Until we are locked into an isolation from others so deep that we are desperately hoping to connect with something, or someone, somewhere, somehow.

And we convince ourselves we are afraid of others because we believe we are being hurt by them. Isn’t that the whole idea of Steps 4-9? I think so. To see that WE are the perpetrators of the lie. We cannot be hurt by anyone, unless we are expecting something from them.

See how this is? Twisted and crazy. The dynamics of the Ego are scary when we examine them in their truest form. So, Ms. Brown is correct. We can only be who we are. I am going to say here that I have never met a single recovering person who knows who the hell they are. Even after many, many years of recovery, most still don’t.

They are still so busy trying to please others that they have never once tried to just BE. This is such a hard thing to convey for some reason (ego!), but it is the most basic truth of all. And those who don’t like us are usually those who cannot sit well with authenticity. It frightens us. We are only afraid of people because we don’t want them to see the truth in us, that we are so inauthentic.

When I honor my truth and myself, I have no need of your displeasure or pleasing you. It no longer matters, because I am complete in authenticity. No agendas, no need of anything from you. You are off the hook. I love this stuff!

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Published by: Kelly

I am a therapist and counselor with long-term recovery from addictions and personal trauma. My writing reflects these experiences and the road I have traveled in 12-Step recovery settings, along with the work I have done for over 30 years in the field. My love of dolphins includes the stories of them being healers in places all over the world. I long to offer every broken spirit and body the experience of a healing hug. May my words and stories inform, uplift and delight your spirit and soothe your weary heart.

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