August 4

COURAGE MONTH: DAY 4: “I nodded, pretending to be a hundred times more courageous than I felt.

But that was the thing about courage. Sometimes you had to fake it to feel it.” ― Lisa Tawn Bergren

I have felt this feeling so many times. I loved the saying “Fake it till you make it” when I got here. I don’t hear that very often any more, but I am glad it was there for me when I was new.

I felt this kind of fear when I did so many of the things I did since Day 1 in this thing. After all, aren’t we all just actors when we get here; pretending it doesn’t hurt like it does, pretending that we know what we are doing when we don’t, pretending to feel confident when we are terrified.

I sat in a chair in meetings, no matter what, without moving, for at least 6 months before I got brave enough to get up and go to the restroom. I was so afraid it was the wrong thing and I did not want any attention…which is crazy for the attention-junkie I knew myself to be.

And I was afraid to share for a few months, probably about 2 or 3, that I would not say what you wanted to hear from me. Boy! Has that ever changed?!

But I have phoned in a great number of acts of courage, not feeling it at the time at all. I always feel like a lost 2-year old in the mall whose family is not even looking for her. Totally and completely afraid and alone and it doesn’t even matter! Wow!

Once I could identify that feeling, I was okay. I am a big girl and could accompany that little 2-year old to the place that was scary and go in with her. Isn’t that what we are here to do? Grow those little kids up and be the grown up for them now? I think so.

Fear is a huge thing for us. It runs our lives into the ground and then blames others. It is the sword of the ego, shredding everything good and fine and then putting the blame elsewhere. I know this one well. I just look it in the eye and tell it “not today.” I am going to do the scary thing and it will be fine. It has been in the past and it will be in the future. This is gonna happen. See ya!

So, we can do what our heads tell us we cannot. We can succeed. We can thrive. And it doesn’t ever take anything away from anyone else. It is what we are here to do!

Published by: Kelly

I am a therapist and counselor with long-term recovery from addictions and personal trauma. My writing reflects these experiences and the road I have traveled in 12-Step recovery settings, along with the work I have done for over 30 years in the field. My love of dolphins includes the stories of them being healers in places all over the world. I long to offer every broken spirit and body the experience of a healing hug. May my words and stories inform, uplift and delight your spirit and soothe your weary heart.

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