May 15

INTEGRITY MONTH: DAY 15: “You are only afraid if you are not in harmony with yourself.” ― Hermann Hesse

So, the first thing that struck me when typing the Integrity part of this is that I am Inter-gritty…hahaha…I love words! And typing it this morning, I felt the gritty part of this quote. Or the Nitty-gritty part of this quote.

Because I am often afraid. And that is because the Screaming Purple Monkeys SPM) drive the bus of Ego, which is the basis for all of my fears. All of them. Ugh! They are gritty and dirty and sometimes so damned ingrained that I cannot breathe!

And, this is the most basic of all truths. As the book says, “When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation-some fact of my life unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.” Thank you, Dr. Paul O.

And curse you Dr. Paul O. Any disturbance at all! I live with so much inner turmoil at times! I have seen enough to believe we all do. Not all the time; and, thankfully, not all of us at once. I one time left a meeting, so grateful that when I am nuts, the rest of you, or at least some of you, are saner and more at peace. Then there are times when I am, and you are nuts.

Thank goodness we are not all newcomers at the same time! Hahaha. We would all be sitting together in a bar before you know it!

I really love this basic truth. That I must be in harmony with ME. That is the purpose of Step 5, for me. I may have come to it all screwed up with dis-harmony in my relationships with YOU, but I can see that I need to process where I am with ME to get peace and harmony with the rest of the world.

I cannot do that without total honesty and integrity. I must be true to Kelly to live peacefully in this or any other world I know.

There are so many changes that have come up in this last year, some big, some small; and some are in process. It is interesting to watch it all unfold. But, there are some changes I have worked toward that are not manifesting in the time I thought they would. Well, now, those are the things I must sit with because I hate unfinished or unclear business! Ugh!

It is like driving a car and not knowing which way to turn until you get to the signs that tell you which way to turn. A long, dark hallway with no end or lights to guide me. All on faith. But it is always all on faith. The truth is that it is not going the way I predicted it would. Hahahaha! Gritty…ain’t it? Yeah, sometimes it is!

Published by: Kelly

I am a therapist and counselor with long-term recovery from addictions and personal trauma. My writing reflects these experiences and the road I have traveled in 12-Step recovery settings, along with the work I have done for over 30 years in the field. My love of dolphins includes the stories of them being healers in places all over the world. I long to offer every broken spirit and body the experience of a healing hug. May my words and stories inform, uplift and delight your spirit and soothe your weary heart.

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