May 1

INTEGRITY MONTH: DAY 1: “You will, at times, be the most selfish asshole you can possibly imagine. You will step out of your own integrity. You will do things you thought you would never do. The temptation is there to let your actions define your being. To carry the weight of your own failure and to live in a state of perpetual penance. Do not. Learn the art of self-forgiveness. Know that there is a difference between acting like an asshole and BEING an asshole – and it has to do with the amount of time you spend in the space and what you do once you realize you’ve gone there. Make good choices here.”

― Jeanette LeBlanc

This, then, is why we have more than 1 or 2 of the steps. We WILL fail. We WILL do things that are not on the path we want to walk.

I know I have been all of these things. I have acted like the MOST selfish asshole in the world. I have been out of integrity so far that I did not think I could ever get back there. I have done things I thought I would never do.

I do not like the word “forgiveness” whether it is applied to myself or others. I prefer to speak in terms of “acceptance.” If I can accept that I am a deeply flawed human being on a righteous path to a higher and better place, I am okay. There is nothing about that to judge, therefore nothing about that to forgive.

That stuff remains, for me, in the realms of a Power, the creative Power of the Universe that I depend upon to guide my life and remove these things from my plate. Just as I received enough Grace to stay around here these 32 years, I receive enough each day to stop all the insanity that I got here with. I depend on that every day to remove whatever crap is in our way to that higher and better path.

These, for me, resonate as good choices. To believe that I am worthy of receiving that grace, or it would not be a part of my story. To let all that shit go and just LIVE as a human being receiving grace and allowed to manifest that as best I can.

I never knew how to live with grace, because I could never receive it. Now, the ONLY job I have is to live as if that is my path. Acting as if, all the time, has brought me to this place. I am less an asshole, less the person I despised to deeply when I got here.

And this beautiful quote, which was a new one for me, give me exactly what I need to remember. That I am choosing…either this wonderful path of grace, or to believe what is in my head and live and become that asshole. What a beautiful way to experience this!

Published by: Kelly

I am a therapist and counselor with long-term recovery from addictions and personal trauma. My writing reflects these experiences and the road I have traveled in 12-Step recovery settings, along with the work I have done for over 30 years in the field. My love of dolphins includes the stories of them being healers in places all over the world. I long to offer every broken spirit and body the experience of a healing hug. May my words and stories inform, uplift and delight your spirit and soothe your weary heart.

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