April 1

HONESTY MONTH: DAY 1: “Honesty was a tough customer… Once you started allowing yourself some honesty, it couldn’t easily be contained or limited to one part of your life. It was like poison ivy or a bossy houseguest. Once it was there, you couldn’t tell it what to do. You had to really fight to keep it from taking over.” ― Ann Brashares

This is a new quote for me to write about. It made me laugh at first. Then I sat with it this morning, which was great! I am feeling disgruntled and whiny and pouty and angry about something going on in my life.

So, I did this horrid step. I wrote what I was angry, pouty, whiny about and why I was being so cranky in so many ways. It was awful; as it always is.

Because Step 4 requires for me to be honest with ME! I hate that! I want (always have, always will, I guess) for it to be YOUR shit that is making me mad.

Hahahaha….and just as this quote states, honesty has crept in and made me look in the mirror. Who do I see there? Not you…it’s always just me. Only me; I am the source of all my problems. Every time. What I work on after this process is the acceptance I need to sit still with ME.

What do I most need? My brain tells me to kick my ass. It ain’t that. I have had enough ass kicking for 10 more lifetimes. So, I practice sitting with the broken-ness that is coming out to let me know I am not paying attention to something I need.

What do I need? Asked again. Answered that I need to be loved and accepted and appreciated. And then I start to get mad again. Why aren’t YOU doing that for me? All of you, all the time. Well, you aren’t, because it really is NOT your job. It is mine, always mine. UGH!

Now I am mad and laughing at the same time.

I will probably never get over the kind of entitlement that tells me I should get a marching band and millions of dollars just because I do my dishes or make my bed. By working these steps when these feelings begin to show up, I get to see my part.

Always my part, always the same truth. My expectations of who and what YOU should be are going to kick my ass. I don’t have to do it again. I already have, and I am even madder about THAT.

Hahahaha…it never stops. And then it does. But, this process of practicing honesty, the kind that REALLY matters, goes on, even when I don’t want it to. OK!

It does grow, just like the delusion(s) will if I let them. I want a rampant development of honesty in my life, though. I see what happens when I let up on this stuff, even for a bit. It has a life of its own. I get to be in honesty or delusion. I want to always sit in the place I do right now and let the honesty flow. It feels so much better, and I can laugh. I love to laugh…don’t you?