LOVE MONTH: DAY 18: “Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” ― Martin Luther King Jr.
Hate is not the opposite of love. Fear is. We are fearful when we hate. We are afraid that something or someone can do something to us or take something from us or harm us in some way that we need to hate that person or thing for.
This is a terrible way to live. I remember how painful it was to hate those who had done things to me that I did not like. And to be terribly afraid that they would do them again. My judgment of that and the hate I held in my heart cut me off from love in any direction.
When I came here, I did not feel your love. I experienced it in the way that you welcomed me. I could not feel anything, because I was too full of hate and fear and loathing (mostly of myself.) But I saw it and could appreciate that you were loving and kind toward me. That I got. There was a welcoming sense of allowing and accepting me that was new and very different.
I was highly suspicious of that. I knew what I had done in the past to fit in. None of that was seemingly required here. I could not fathom what you all had up your sleeve(s) as far as expectations of me, but I was always alert for that shoe to drop.
The darkness I knew all about. It was in my soul, in my heart, there was no light. You gave me that small kernel of hope and possibility; and it has never been extinguished. I have believed in times of darkness since I got here, but they were all in my imagination. There is really no such thing. My fear is not real, it is the product of believing my ego and listening to its dire warnings of impending doom.
Today I can see this and know it in my heart. It is light in there and only gets dark when I listen to the Screaming Purple Monkeys of doom and gloom. They are so busy throwing shit at me that sometimes I join in. Never beneficial and never once have they been right or on my highest path.
So, I fear less. Even in the scariest of moments, my thoughts can be turned around to benefit others, and then I cannot sit in self-centered fear. That is the key to light and love. I cannot say that I love you. You probably have no idea what that means. It changes all the time. What I MUST do is show you and keep my mouth shut as often as possible about my feelings toward you.
I don’t always feel what others say as authentic. In fact, that is most often not the case. So, I have learned to show you by how I am in the world. That is what I felt when I first got here. Your loving actions and caring ways for me. That told me the truth. I could not believe it because it had no hooks in it. Very new for me. And it healed me and still does.
All 12 steps have led me to this place. I have worked them over and over again. I have cleaned up my behaviors and my attitudes and shifted my way of thinking about the world and its people into a totally different dimension than the one I got here with.
Those people who did what they did; it wasn’t about me at all; it was for me, not to me. That was their path and it intersected with mine only as a teaching tool for me to grow through and past. They showed me, not who they were, but who I was and who I could be and how I could be. I am eternally grateful for their part in creating who I am today. I cannot do this. I can only walk the path and see what it is I am here to know. And love the shit outta this amazing life I get to live; not because I am worthy, but because I am not. That is grace, all grace.
Dolphin Hug 