December 13

LOVE MONTH: DAY 13: “Be everything with so much love in your heart that you would never want to do it any other way.” — Amrit Desai

My heroes when I was a little girl were the people who looked happy all the time. I watched them and wanted to be like them. Their smiles were beautiful, and they made me feel happy.

There was so much drama and unhappiness in my home life that I loved school, and, of course, the things I could watch on TV.

I loved the idea of happiness. I think we all do. When we watch the world around us, our culture will tell us that being beautiful is going to bring happiness. Then we see that the right car, always new, is another way to be happy.

Or the home, the right home, filled with all the right stuff, just so, will bring happiness. Or the right food or outfit or SHOES (my favorite!) will do it for us. Or the right job or education or combination of both.

The really big one is the right partner! Whatever our inclinations might be along these lines, it is the right partner and family and friends who will bring happiness into our dreary existence.

And so, we run around this world, emulating those who pretend to be happy, with all these things; and we don’t feel it. It doesn’t work. It is empty and sad and lonely.

So, we just keep running around, too busy to see anything, desperately reaching for the golden ring, and never coming close enough to grab the happiness we seek.

So, what if we just learn to be extremely happy with what is, right now. No complaints, no whining, just be f—-ing happy? What if????

It is a process, it begins with gratitude. That will begin to shift the balance. And then telling the truth about what is going on, what has been going on, and why it doesn’t work. Shift the story. Shift the focus. Give so much love to others that you don’t have time to think about whether or not you are getting any. This has been the longest journey of my life…it has been my life. And I am happier every day!

I did not know how to do this for so long. It is such a long and wonderful road to get here. So, I get to do it for as long as I do. And every breath I have left in my body will go into the telling of how this happened.

I was a strung-out drug addict with a penchant for drinking myself into blackouts and doing bizarre and horrifying things. I hated me, and my life, more than I have ever hated anything or anyone.

And then I came to you guys. All burned out and broken. With a terrible story of abuse and violence that I did not even know how to tell. Full of pain and rage and FEAR!

And I went to a meeting and found you guys. And you told me not to drink or use (like THAT was a problem????), and to begin to hang out with you and take those steps. Ok. I began. And it was a miraculous thing! I began to want to see you more often. I began to care.

I began to feel better about my chances in this world. I began to open my heart and believe that maybe, just maybe, my little girl dreams could come true. And they began to.

And other stuff happened, and I got through it and could see how it helped me. How walking through fear and doing the HORRIBLE shit my sponsor told me to do worked. Oh! And, honestly, I have NEVER not done what I was directed to do…a side note for those stubborn mules I call sponsees…lol!

And the love and successes and tears and hugs and joy and sorrow since then. And the learning, always the learning. Wow!

And I am in love with this thing. I am in love with you! I am in love with recovery and the Power I found here! I am in love with ME and my life and the world around me. I don’t have to like it at all, but I sure as hell do love it all! Because I don’t have to run the world any more. I look for the good in everything and everyone and I can find it when I take the time to see its beauty. Life is really, really good. And I love it ALL!

Published by: Kelly

I am a therapist and counselor with long-term recovery from addictions and personal trauma. My writing reflects these experiences and the road I have traveled in 12-Step recovery settings, along with the work I have done for over 30 years in the field. My love of dolphins includes the stories of them being healers in places all over the world. I long to offer every broken spirit and body the experience of a healing hug. May my words and stories inform, uplift and delight your spirit and soothe your weary heart.

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