June 7

HUMILITY MONTH: DAY 7: “Always be mindful of the kindness and not the faults of others.” – Gautama Buddha

Fear and ego tell us to judge others, so we can tell ourselves where we stand. We are so focused on what is going on with everyone around us, we are able to justify and explain away our own behaviors and never work on the shifts that recovery bring when we are focused on our own growth and development.

One of my favorite “bumper sticker” sayings is actually a magnet on my refrigerator. It says something I do not see often: “The only people to get even with are those who have treated you with kindness.” I think it goes well with today’s quote.

What we focus on grows. Step 6 is the getting ready to have things removed that have caused grievous harm in our lives and the lives of those around us. Part of recovery is to consistently and continuously be aware of what works for us and what does not.

For me, this means that I must look a lot deeper than just NOT being an asshole. It means that the inventory process must go very deeply into my ideas and beliefs about life. It is in that space that my behaviors and attitudes are formed.

Ego wants to hold on to old ideas, no matter how much pain they bring me. The message from the Screaming Purple Monkeys (SPM) is that it will ALWAYS be like this, and nothing is ever going to be good or even better. I cannot be happy, because no one will do what I need THEM to do to create that. Bullshit! All Bullshit!

So, the journey into and through my old ideas about life is a long one. I must visit this space again and again, whenever that feeling of discomfort comes to me about my interactions with others. If I am an asshole, it is on ME to shift. No matter what others may do, I must learn to come from a place of kindness and heart.

That does NOT mean to be an enabling person who lets others off with bad behavior. NO! If they are interacting with me in toxic ways, I have a choice about whether or not I remain in the situation. I have to walk away from quite a few situations where there is no possible healing. This is true in all areas of my life.

I will always communicate what works and does not work in my relationships with others. If we are not on the same page, no harm, no foul. I just need to open that space and move on. If the other person is making an effort to shift their way of being to build a bridge, I am going to build the bridge on my side as well. Not everyone will do this. Addicts, especially, often want the other party to do all the work. That is not a relationship, that is a hostage situation. Big difference!

When I focus on the good and kind things that others bring into my life (gratitude practice!), I am aware of a greater force of nature than when I focus on their shortcomings. I must always be mindful, however, that each person, no matter what they do, brings me great gifts.

The gift is either showing me what an asshole I have been (and still may be!) by doing things I do. Then I can examine old ideas and process through the Steps to learn about that. This will allow me, quite often, to shift my beliefs and not rely on SPM to lead me again.

OR, they show me who I have been, which is equally uncomfortable. I get to do the same process, and walk through any areas of old behavior I might be engaging in. Always get to FEAR and EGO, every time. The old ideas are somewhere in that.

Either way, I do my part to recover from any asshole-ism I may be living in. Then I can thank the person and move on. I look to those who are walking the way I want to go and follow them. When it is old stuff I do not want to engage in any longer, I move away. Either way, I am blessed by the Universal Power I ask for in this step, to see who I am and what I do each day. This is what I believe is called recovery; and I am eternally grateful for these gifts.