May 6

INTEGRITY MONTH: DAY 6: “Listen with curiosity. Speak with honesty. Act with integrity. The greatest problem with communication is we don’t listen to understand. We listen to reply. When we listen with curiosity, we don’t listen with the intent to reply. We listen for what’s behind the words.” ― Roy T. Bennett

Relationships are the fruit of life. There is no need for thousands, or even hundreds, of acquaintances, if we have 3 or 4 deep relationships. The rest are superficial and will come and go in life.

Even deep relationships are likely to shift and end. That is the nature of life, ebb and flow, abundance and lack.

Integral relationships are with those who know how to hear what I say, and I am able to hear what is being said by another. There is no guessing, everything is discussed. All feelings are pertinent, without judgment or blame. I take no credit for you or your feelings. They matter to me, but I am not able to influence them either way.

Deep relationships are sacred. There are no games to play, no axes to grind. No one feels ignored or pacified. Both parties are fully engaged and present to each other. Even long-distance relationships have these qualities.

Ego gets in the middle of relationships and destroys them. There is a sense that I am not getting what I need from you. That is never the case. You are NOT here to satisfy my needs in any way. That is fully my job. When we are both whole and healthy individuals, we have something to offer each other. When we are not, it can be, and most often is, a hostage situation.

Learning to listen is the greatest part of relationship. Do I fully understand what you are saying? Probably not at first. Over time, I may learn to hear your words differently. For quite some time, I must practice asking questions to be sure I understand your words.

Most of you know how much fun I have with words. I am very precise and careful with them, most of the time. When I am not, it is because there is an ego story going on for me. I have discovered this in myself. Now I can see it in others.

If I am trying to tell you something that is ego-based, I begin to use those defensive mannerisms my ego loves so much. I become demanding, rude, fearful, angry, petulant, pouty, etc. This is because I am not fully aware of my ego-defensive story. Ugh!

This is why it is important for me to listen to you. I can help you work through those stories if you are able to sit with deep listening and deep communication. What I know is, if you are not able to do this, we are not in relationship anyway. I cannot do shallow or superficial relationships any longer. It is a waste of time for both of us.

Growing into deeper relationship with others is integral. Being on the surface of life brings no real rewards. I lived there for far too long. Now I feel a sense of importance to the things that feed my spirit and little or no time for those that don’t.

I am not here to be popular. I tell people this all the time. I am here to heal and to do what is in front of me to help others hear the truth. That is not always going to win friends and influence people. I don’t care. Integrity tells me to do what is in my nature to do. Walk with integrity.

I can care about you even when you don’t. The challenge is to stay away until you care as much as I do. Then we might engage deeply. Till then, keep walking. I will care from afar. Peace!