May 5

INTEGRITY MONTH: DAY 5: “They’re certainly entitled to think that, and they’re entitled to full respect for their opinions… but before I can live with other folks I’ve got to live with myself. The one thing that doesn’t abide by majority rule is a person’s conscience.” ― Harper Lee

The world is full of prejudices. We form them around ignorance of the world itself and our fears about it. What we believe begins to color that world from an early age. We are programmed to believe things about others that are going to stay with us for years if we do not learn to question those things over the course of our lives.

My father was an Archie Bunker kind of dude. He had great prejudices, which created conflict between us in my teenage years. Yeah, I know. All of life is conflict in those years! And it WAS the 1960s, so we were busy smashing down rules and rigid stereotypes anyway. Awesome time, if you ask me.

And I learned to let others believe what they wanted about me, because there was so much social pressure in our high school at that time. I was popular and a cheerleader, but I had two great girlfriends who were black. Racially, there were riots in several of the schools around us…one day there was a horrible fight at our campus and the social structure was under attack. I remember being pulled out of a crowd by my black friend and she ran with me to a safe place. I was a target, but I was also seen as a friend.

A crazy time. I learned something very valuable. That I was not any of those “things” that were used to define us and place us in a social structure or clique. I belonged to several groups that were oppositional. And because I hated being classified as this or that, I decided not to do that with others.

We have all been profiled, based on appearances, lifestyle, age, race, sexual identity, careers, financial standing, our addiction, our recovery, whatever the case may be.

The challenge is, for all of us, to ignore the labels and allow others to show us who they are. When I am walking in integrity, I have no agenda for your approval or disapproval. It does not matter to me what you believe about me or how you feel about me.

I have been actively disliked and spent too much time in this life trying to change that story. It did not change, but I wasted a lot of my life on the story. I do not do that today. I do my best to accept myself. With that, I don’t need acceptance from anyone else. Nor do any of us.

However, I watch people who are destroying themselves around these basic issues of life. They mold and attempt to maneuver themselves into harmful packages to please others. It is heartbreaking to see how desperately they need to be something or someone else. Their lack of self-awareness and self-acceptance is truly saddening.

Integrity means I approved of me. If I do not, I change whatever I do not approve of. It never means I wish for, work for, or adopt your approval of me as more important than my own. I OWN myself, fully and completely; with no reservations.

And I seek nothing from others, except what they are bringing to the table. I do not need for you to be different than who and what you are. If that is in conflict with my life, then I will walk away. But I will not work to change you to be who or what I need. That is the contract of integrity. Pure and total acceptance of each other, with no agendas. I love that!