FREEDOM MONTH: DAY 10: “We cannot think of being acceptable to others until we have first proven acceptable to ourselves.” ― Malcolm X
Interesting person to make this quote, I think when I read it. Not what I would expect from him, which, to me, makes it all the more powerful.
So, today, I am dedicating this to two people with whom I am having this conversation. Interesting, because we have “Acceptance” month on Step 1, January’s spiritual principle. I love that month the best, because I believe we are challenged by that concept more than any other.
So, as we work through these steps, we are challenged again and again to practice self-acceptance. I cannot do a thorough Step 9 until I get off the cross of guilt, shame and self-recrimination I have jumped on. Alanons say “Get off the cross, we need the wood” to each other to remind them that martyrdom does not help anyone.
We do not lay down at the feet of those we have harmed and sob onto their toes. Some of us have done severe damage to family relationships and some of us have stolen a great deal from the world around us. Others have harmed others in various ways and may have committed crimes for which we have done prison time (or not, as the case may be); but we never skip free from the consequences of our behaviors.
These things alone do not condemn us. We are given this amazing opportunity to be sober and free of addiction; how can we continue to beat ourselves over the head and shoulders with the past or what we may have done? If the Power that gives us this grace considers us worthy, who the hell are we to think it is a mistake or to say “no, thanks! You don’t know all the details”?
We must accept ourselves as being perfectly flawed and acting from the very best we knew how at the time. I do not say “oh, I am an alcoholic, of course I was an asshole.” That means that taking away the booze is going to make me behave like an angel.
No, I have poor coping skills and no idea how to navigate life. That is the crux of the problem. This is where I see that causes and conditions are at fault. My old beliefs are kicking my butt…again and again! So I have to dig deeply into what I believe about life and how I began some of the behaviors in my early days of formulating my responses to life. For many of us, this is the dysfunctional stuff of early formation that I continued past the time where I could have changed my mind about what I knew of life.
We are socially and emotionally crippled. Sometimes we got stuck due to trauma or abuse. Other times, we just stayed loaded. Either way, we have to grow the hell up and stop looking at life through the lens of a 3 or 4-year-old child.
That is the stuff that happens in Steps 4-8. Then we get here and realize we don’t want to make the amends that need to be made. Remember, amending anything means changing it for the better. I am here to amend my behavior, to correct it, not excuse it. So if I am unable to make this commitment to those I have wronged, I need to step back into the place where I get to see what is driving the behavior.
I truly never believed I wanted to stop sleeping with other women’s husbands. I saw this as a hobby, not a character defect. I did not want to amend it. Then I needed to see the reasons why this was harmful. I really knew I wasn’t going to take him away from a family…I didn’t want to keep him, just play and have the good times.
Today, I have done this work to the extent that I have not had to do this particular thing in my life. I can honestly say I am happy with who I became in this situation. I never had to make any direct amends to any wives; that would have caused more problems than solutions; but I also don’t do this shit any more.
And I treat myself better than this too in the process.
If beating ourselves up would produce one ounce of positive change, I would buy each of us a baseball bat and have at it, together with each other, and separately. It doesn’t, so I will save that wood also. We are amazing and that Power sees us as some fine creations…warts and all!
Dolphin Hug 