COURAGE MONTH: DAY 8: “Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake.” ― Victor Hugo
The things that have terrified me since coming here have been lessons in walking through life without drugs and alcohol and showing up, even when it is scary. I have shown up and felt like I was 2 or 3 years old, lost in the shopping mall, and no one was even looking for me. I have been mentally aware of these feelings and that I woke up for many years with the sense of dread that the world was too big and I was too little to go out into it alone.
I really believed in those waking up moments that the only safe thing to do was stay in bed and not go out into that too-big world or even show up for scary stuff. Or that when I did, I wanted my ‘mommy’ to hold my hand and go with me. Now, let me tell you here that my ‘mommy’ is all an illusion. I never had that entity in my life, so the idea was one that carried over from a long, long time ago when I wanted her to be like other mommies.
That terror upon waking up is no longer part of my daily life experience. In fact, there is no longer even a thought about it. And there still are some things that are scary, but the real benefit, to me, of having some time around here and walking through so many things is that I have less fear of them. I have grown into a comfortable knowledge that I am always cared for and will always be cared for, so I just let it go into those hands into which I turn my life and my will over.
My faith has grown some strong legs here. Those terrifying events are less frequent, and new things come into the picture that can be scary when I think about them and try to conquer them alone. I have to admit that 30 years of reading that my character defects (Step Seven in the 12×12) are primarily made up of self-centered fear has given me pause when I feel terrified.
To tie this all back up with Step 8, the reason I believe Courage is the key to working this step is to NOT fear those things that are direct results of my need for ongoing recovery. The first time I made the list, it was like my first 4th Step…a shit list of everyone who had ever made me angry or sad…because now I could see how it was truly my doing.
So I had to walk through the fear of going to court on 18 felony warrants…yikes! And of facing people to whom I owed large financial amends (including the IRS-ugh!) and putting them on the list and letting the Universal Power find ways for these things to be resolved. I KNEW I did not have enough money to pay everyone back. All I need to do in Step 8 is make the list and become willing.
I likened it to how willing I was to continue to receive the benefits I was already receiving around here. I was pretty willing, because miracles were occurring and it was amazing and I was so happy to be in recovery! So I had to equate that with my willingness to make the list and prepare myself for the process of making amends.
So, I began to do things differently. There was a saying in the meetings in those days that I really loved: “If you like what you are getting, then keep doing what you are doing.” Okay…well, I did, so I did. And I moved forward, although I was afraid of the responses I would receive (especially with the courts and the IRS!) from the folks on it. That is not my concern.
Next month I will share more about the outcomes of this first process. Since then, I actively work a Step 10 and have not had to work too many Step 8s, but the Spiritual Principle of Courage has never left me. I am convinced, to this moment, that the greatest act of Courage that any human can perform is getting out of bed in the morning. This is because I know that anything can happen, and anything is possible, and anything WILL result. And so I say, when I do this each time; “It is a good day to die.”
Dolphin Hug 