May 5

INTEGRITY MONTH: DAY 5: “But there are times in this harum-scarum world when figuring out the right thing to do is quite simple, but doing the right thing is simply impossible….” ― Lemony Snicket

This appears to be true quite often. I have had so many “moral dilemmas” since coming here…these are things that I did not immediately “intuitively know how to handle”. There were discussions with others that needed to take place. One time I could see that my superiors in an agency where I worked were stealing and violating some pretty serious laws. I had to not get involved in that. It was not my story to write. I let the person in a position to do something know what I knew and that was sufficient. I never talked about it again, because it was something that I needed to see in order to learn how to handle that kind of situation. I left that agency pretty soon afterwards. I had a friend who was doing some dishonest stuff and involving me in it, so I had to confront her and ask her to not put me in that position when I found out what was up. Once I was doing some work for a therapist in private practice who asked me to forge some insurance documents for her. I left that day and never went back. When she called me, I had to tell her I was not a good fit for the job. In all of these situations, I FELT like I could not possibly walk into the places where I needed to walk. In two of them, I was putting financial necessity on the line and it FELT like I would lose those jobs and be in deep shit financially. It did not happen like that. In the other, I BELIEVED I would lose that woman’s friendship. It occurred to me later that perhaps it was not such a big loss if she was willing to put me in that position anyway…oh! There have been lots of these kinds of instances where I had to do something that seemed impossible when it was faced. Today I have a great deal less indecision when I am faced with them, because the outcomes have always been teaching moments in how the Universe supports my integrity. I am always in mind of a quick way to evade doing the right thing…I am quite basically lazy and think I can get one over on the Universe and get what I want by taking shortcuts or reverting to something dishonest. Stealing is always one thing I think of when I am in trouble with money, so is going back to the old days when I could make some quick cash doing whorish things. Sadly, I am not the person I was 30 years ago…I doubt the money would be there, even if the behavior was. I can only imagine trying to drum up that kind of business with who I am today…not a pretty picture…and it stops me long enough for sanity to step in. I used to hope that I would be restored to sanity and that the crazy thinking would not happen any longer. Again, it is my experience that it can thrive the minute I come into any kind of fear. So I try to sit with my fear and hold it and let it run its course. I also get to sit with the many, many times that it has all worked out without me stealing or hooking or creating anything of my old ways in the situation. Then, too, there is that defiant part of me that just keeps shaking my fist at the sky and saying “I DARE you to get me outta this one too!” And damned if it doesn’t work…somehow I like THAT one more than begging on my knees…I get to work through more of the anger that comes with my fear that way…and I laugh…I am pretty sure the Universe is laughing too…it MUST be pretty damned funny…and laughter ALWAYS helps me heal my baby fears…what a great gift this stuff is!